Relapse after a decade

Well for the first time in almost 12ish years I self harmed. Just a tiny little thing. And every step of the process i took i was like "don't do it, I don't even want to do this" and yet I went through the motions for it anyways. I had to cover it with a bandaid so I wouldn't look at it and touch it over and over again. It makes me really bummed out (not even sad, just hella frustrated), because I love myself now. I'm not who i was a decade ago and I'm so much happier in my body now than I was and yet I went ahead and did this to it anyways. I didn't even really want to.

I've been struggling with severe ocd for a while and just have been in a bad spot with it to the point I was convinced I had to harm myself to make the thoughts go away. And the worst part is it kinda did for like 10 minutes where I was like "what the fuck are you doing?" Also ended up in the cutting sub and had to back out quick because I was like oh that looks good lmfao. It just sucks. 12 years and its not even a big one but its a notch that has the potential for me to go over the edge. If I think about it its almost like I miss it. Its especially frustrating b/c I'm in school, I have a job lined up, it's like I'm a grown man I should NOT have done that (which silly, this is an issue that doesn't have an age limit I'm just like damn what are you doing). And yet now its in the back of my mind again. And I don't want to start using it as a compulsion because all of this kinda started with me countering my intrusive thoughts with imagining self harm to prove to myself I didn't like them. This shit sucks. Just a bit of a vent I guess because I don't have anyone else to tell this to.