aug 14

i can’t understand my feeling perfectly and it frustrates me to no extent. i know very well that i do not want a relationship right now and no guy really appeals to me in such a manner that id give up this sentiment. there are always these glaring issues that seem to take a forefront in my thought process when assessing any guy. ofc i’ve already assessed my bsf and there are lots of things that dissuade me from even developing feelings in that regard. sure, i’m surprised sometimes by our similarities but i think there are many more pillars to a relationship especially now coming out of a relationship and i don’t want to tie myself back down again. and setting aside all the issues i see if i was to date him, then i don’t know of anything else. because i dated my ex for 8 years and the immediately got into another relationship without seeing anything else.

when he kissed me i wasn’t icked or disgusted or anything. i do have a very strong emotional connection with him so i could borderline say i would’ve encouraged it if i hadn’t come to my senses but i didn’t because i don’t want to lead anyone on or see him hurt especially. i guess im happy with myself that i didn’t encourage it, because i have thought about him in a more sexual manner since my breakup because i really can’t see myself being physical with anyone unless i have a strong emotional attachment. but he said he liked me and i thought it was very wrong to let it go on or feed into it.

now i feel this weird pressure that when i am ready to date again i have to date him. i don’t know when ill be ready or if i will want to date him. i feel its unfair to expect me to date him when i haven’t met anyone else and he’s dated half of our city. and i have bigger issues than i stated to him. like i definitely don’t want to live in a joint family and all that but another thing is that my ex was such a big family guy which i saw no problem with until he couldn’t defend me on any front and it was what his family said over what i said after 8 fucking years. and even the smallest things like on our anniversary i said don’t wear skinny jeans and his mom was like wear em and guess what and another situation was i’d sit so long at his shop just because he couldn’t tell his family no. i see the same thing in my bsf. also, it’s not that i don’t find him attractive which he is but i feel like im more attracted to more muscular guys not super jacked but still. and when i broke up with my bf i also thought id get to see or find a guy who’s more bookish. not that reading books is a deal breaker but i just thought id get to see the world more if i ever felt ready to date again.

and then i feel really horrible for him. he’s very sweet and sensitive under that douchey exterior. i want happiness for him.

i’m so confused about my feelings on this matter and have no one to talk to.