Am I failing in life?

for background I m 18f in India.

I have always been intelligent, or at least that s what people always told me. I will be brutally honest- I was always proud of that. Proud that I didn't have to spend that much time studying as others did, proud that even if my parents or teachers disliked my ideas, they couldn't deny my potential. Both my parents are CA s and I am a 4th generation learner, so obviously expectations were high.

I didn't study and didn't score well in 8th and 9th, my mom was worried but my dad was chill because he thought that when I needed good marks, I will get them and I did. I scored 97 percent in 10th, which I know is easy enough to score but it was more than enough to make my parents happy. My dad was more proud of the fact that I didn't have to study to get good marks rather than the fact that I got good marks. Before I tell u what went wrong, I want to tell u one simple fact- my dad is a genius. Like a man with actually real high IQ, the kind of guy who studied rarely even for a course like CA. He doesn't forget roads. We went to Goa when I was 13, and when we went there again when I was 16, he didn't need google maps, he remembered directions. He is the kind of guy to whom everything came easily- good parents, good job, good friends, good everything.

Why am I talking about my dad? You will understand later.

I always felt I was extremely ugly and so when I came into 11th and this really hot guy in our school started talking to me and became my friend, I was like wow. I became friends with girls I wanted to be friends with. Let's call this guy mango. I didn't realise that they were friends with me only because is was best friends with mango and they actually didn't give a shit about me. I won't go into detail, but basically something bad happened, my friendship with mango (I had a crush on him too) got destroyed, all my "friends" left me and the entire grade started ignoring me and basically I was left alone. This happened in 12th grade. I went in depression, it was so bad that the school suggested to my parents to send me to a psychiatric ward. Of course my parents didn't. My mom actually threw away my pills that my psychiatrist gave me because she said they wont let me study (btw proof that EVEN AN EXTREMELY WELL EDUCATED PERSON like her can say stuff like this).

so technically at least in their eyes I got "better" because I stopped crying in front of them. I got worse, all I could think was how I didnt want to live anymore and how I wanted to die. I missed my farewell, conti and scl trip. So I felt even more left out and unfulfilled.

I didn't study at all and studied one month before boards.

I filled forms of various private universities but instead of actually giving their exams, I just used that time period to just wander off by myself Obviously so I didn't get in any private university.

Unfortunately before cuet my 12th result came and somehow I scored 96 percent and my parents were like wow. Again not that difficult to score in commerce w maths but sure why not? Let them be happy. So they went with me to cuet exam centre to boost morale and stuff. I didnt study anything because for some reason my dumb ass thought who gives a fuck about exams? obv the moment I gave cuet, I knew I was fucked. Terribly fucked.

My dumb brain realised oh shit everyone s gonna go to amazing universities and I m gonna go where?? I couldn't think of going to colleges that were mid tier because again, even after doing all this I had planned a better future for myself.

so I did one thing I never thought I would do, I chose ca. I thought that this course is the only course that will justify me doing college from open.

my cuet result came, it was mid at best. I got satyawati and aurobindo. Obviously my parents were extremely disappointed. My dad has stopped talking to me, when he does he makes fun of me for being dumb or is just plain ass rude to me. If he sees me studying he reminds me that if I actually wanted to study I should have done it during cuet. I know it's my fault, I should have studied. He tells me everyday how I didnt get into srcc and how I m a failure.

I have always wanted to go to college but because my brain wasnt working and I didnt study, I couldn't do anything. I know I could probably go to upes or colleges like those but when I see someone going to srcc or hindu, I just can't. I can't let them be better than me. It's not fair- they got the perfect 12th and then a college. Why does it have to be me? I will probably tell about what happened in school another time, but I used to hide in school washrooms and cry. I used to hide in washrooms so that nobody would have to see me sitting alone during lunch break.

the thing is even tho majorly of these people scored bad in 12th including mango and they are going to private universities that are not that good, they are still happy unlike me. They still went to farewell unlike me. Most importantly they had friends unlike me.

and I have my foundation in September and I m hella scared. I thought I was getting better, but when I see my friends going to colleges or the fact tht mango has a gf, I feel like crying and dying. I just know for a fact that if I fail foundation September attempt, I will idk. I am scared.