AWTJs for not wanting my little brother with violent behaviors to be at our wedding?

This is posted on my husband’s Reddit account, but everything is typed up here by me (His wife)

TW: Financial abuse, violence, violence towards animals, and aggressive behaviors

For background context, I was parentified as a child. My mom and stepdad had 2 more children that I had to babysit starting around the age of 10. It got to the point where my sister started calling me “mom”, as I was the one watching her daily and taking care of her. It only stopped because I went off to college, and thus could not babysit as I was far away. I was also the golden child growing up. My mom always thought of me as a “perfect little angel” (which is the main reason why they had 2 more kids, expecting them to be just like me lol). I always behaved well, and never spoke up about issues. I also had to comfort my mother when she was going through relationship issues with my stepdad.

My siblings (10F and 8M) both have disabilities. They both have ASD. My sister is high-functioning, while my brother is lower-functioning. My brother also has ADHD and is the one with violent behaviors (Screaming, kicking, spitting, threatening to unalive people, etc…) recently (within the past month) he threatened to unalive my mother with a knife and tried pushing her down the stairs another time. He also shows violence towards animals often, specifically towards the two dogs living in my family’s house. He also has attacked me personally with verbal insults and physical actions as well, saying things like “I wish you were dead” or “I hate you”. He has spit at me, thrown toys/other various items at me and has hit and kicked me while I was babysitting him. This is all unprompted and he treats everyone in the family similarly. This is all concerning for obvious reasons. Despite all of this, my mom has always favored my brother over me and my sister, saying his behavior is due to his disabilities (but my husband and I still don’t think that his violent behavior should be accepted at all). Anyways, me (19F) and my husband (18M) were supposed to be getting married today, and we’ve been planning this since the middle of June. My mom was the one who gave us the idea in the first place and was largely supportive of it. We told her one condition: we do not want my brother there, because of his violent behaviors and tendencies. It’s important to also note that he has outbursts whenever he doesn’t get what he wants or when he’s not the center of attention. She said “ok” and it sounded like she understood.

However, my husband heard my mom talking to him about how he was allowed to go to wedding. When he heard this, he let me know about it and we sent her a text gently reminding her that we did not want him there. We also compromised and said he was welcome to come to the reception afterwards, we just did not want him at the ceremony itself. Instead of upholding her promise, she replied saying she and my stepfather were not going to the wedding and claimed it was “horrible” of us to do that even though he threatens everyone in the family about stuff I don’t even think I can talk about here. As a result, I was fed up with everything I’ve been through with them my whole life. My husband helped me pack, and we went upstairs where they were arguing with us. My husband tried speaking up saying that they should be lucky they have her as a child. He said he could not get 2 words in without my stepfather screaming at my husband at the top of his lungs telling me that it is “their house”. My mom called me the “the most selfish and ungrateful child ever” and said “look what we do for you and your partner.” For context, my parents help support me through college by giving me a place to stay on breaks and by paying for my car, gas, and (when I’m home) food/groceries. But they always hold these things (for example, saying: “we do so much for you”) above my head whenever I express discomfort or opposition to them.

She’s been saying stuff like this to me my whole life, despite all I do for them. For almost half of my life, I have been forced to babysit kids that weren’t even mine to begin with, with little to no pay. They even told me multiple times about “how much money me babysitting saves them” because otherwise one of them would have to quit their jobs or pay thousands a month for daycare. Like I said before, they also would hold financial support over my head whenever I would “act out” (express my honest opinion). They even threatened to pull me from my music classes and extracurriculars (things that I love and had leadership positions in, I was very involved with my school’s music department) multiple times when I was in high school and they cancelled my private music lessons because I was grounded from driving and they didn’t want to drive me to them.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard for so long but I’m just done with it. I’m currently staying with my husband’s mom and his grandma. Luckily his mom understands the situation. His grandma is more conservative, but his mom has found a way to make me be able to stay without his grandma being anxious. Also, my parents are not allowing me to retrieve the rest of my stuff (including legal documents such as our marriage license) with my husband. We told them fine, and we will have police escort me then and my husband will stay out of their property. They haven’t responded since then. Also any questions about the situation are ok as well. Are we the jerks/overreacting?

TL;DR - We did not want my brother with violent behaviors to come to our wedding. Despite knowing prior, my mom freaked out on me and my husband when we reminded her. This situation was the last straw in a string of behaviors from my family. I moved out and am now living with my husband’s family before I go back to college. Are we the jerks?