How Should I Judge the Things That Have Happened Between Me and My Parents?

Disclaimer: I used ChatGPT to help organize and phrase this because I’m tired and wanted to explain everything clearly. All of the events and underlying details are based entirely on what I personally typed and experienced. ChatGPT helped with wording and organization. It did not invent the story.

I’m 17, and an argument with my dad tonight made me think again about some things that have happened between me and my parents over the past few years.

Tonight I was walking down the hallway, saw my dad sitting at his desk, walked over, and hugged him. He took out his AirPods, seemed surprised, and asked if something happened. I just said baobao (抱抱, basically “huggy”).

Instead of really reciprocating, he started criticizing me for not fulfilling the expected 7 to 15 hours per week for my research program and said something along the lines of “什么也没干,” basically “you haven’t done anything.”

What stood out to me was that I was actually very calm, probably the calmest I’ve ever been during an argument that could have escalated. I asked him, without yelling, how I had “done nothing.” He said he didn’t want to argue. I repeated the question because I wanted him to explain what he meant, but eventually he just told me to go back to work.

I reminded him that I had already said I would send my personal statement to my mom that night. He muttered something like 真是的. Eventually I said something along the lines of, “If you have this kind of attitude, who would want to talk to you?” Then I left and closed the door somewhat loudly.

At first I was angry enough that I thought I should be cold toward him until he apologized. After thinking about it, though, I went back to a principle I’ve tried to follow before: if someone is treating me disrespectfully, disengage rather than retaliate. I can remove myself from the conversation without deliberately provoking another confrontation.

What makes tonight more complicated for me is the history.

In ninth grade, my dad was tutoring me in mathematical induction. I was genuinely enjoying the topic and problems, but at some point he became extremely frustrated. I don’t remember exactly what started it, but eventually I was crying. He told me to hit myself. I stared at him in disbelief, and he told me that if I didn’t do it, he would do it for me.

He ultimately didn’t hit me that night. Later he hugged me. I went to bed crying and remember thinking to myself that he had “gone mad.” The next morning, he told me he hadn’t been able to sleep.

In tenth grade, he was tutoring me in AP Calculus BC. I was somewhat sleepy, he became frustrated, and at one point, with my mom there, he poured some water from a bottle onto my head.

I became angry and emotional and eventually went to the nearby bathroom because I was crying and needed to clean my nose. My dad followed me, told me that he hadn’t given me permission to go to the bathroom, and grabbed my arm fairly forcefully.

Later that night, he told me in a calmer manner that he loved me more than anyone else. I was still hurt and unconvinced.

My mom has hit me a few times in the past as well, at least twice that I can remember. One incident I remember clearly happened during a CMU pre-college program. We were working together in a small glass-walled study room when she became frustrated by something I said and hit me on the head. It wasn’t hard enough to physically hurt, but it knocked my glasses somewhat crooked. She seemed almost immediately remorseful and brushed my hair afterward. I was taken aback and almost cried, but we moved on.

I want to be fair about the context. None of these incidents physically injured me, and things like this are not happening constantly. I also don't currently feel threatened, depressed, or particularly stressed.

Actually, I feel happy pretty regularly. I enjoy playing poker and hanging out with friends, messaging people, school activities, and going down random Wikipedia rabbit holes about history. There are plenty of moments during most days when I feel genuinely happy and excited about things.

My relationship with my parents also isn't defined entirely by conflict. They genuinely care about me and support me in many ways. That's a big part of why I'm unsure how to judge all of this.

Even tonight demonstrates the contradiction. Not too long after our argument, my dad came over to my bed and spent a somewhat boringly long time talking about my college personal statement. I mostly just lay there and listened. The conversation was actually pretty cordial compared with what had happened earlier, and things between us now seem relatively okay.

My older brother is also home for another week before leaving for college, so I have him around as well.

I thought about contacting a counselor or therapist at my school. That option is available, and I intend to keep it in mind. But right now I don't really feel the need to go through with it. I feel safe and generally happy, and there are also the time, cost, and logistical considerations. If something serious happens again, my mood changes, I start feeling unsafe, or I simply decide I want an outside perspective, I can always ask for a conversation.

I don't really want to force some dramatic label onto my parents or my childhood. I also don't want to excuse things just because my parents love me or because I wasn't physically injured.

I guess what I'm asking is: how should I judge these incidents and my relationship with my parents overall? How seriously should I take what happened? And is my current approach of staying calm, disengaging from disrespect instead of retaliating, and keeping outside support available if I need it a healthy way to handle things?

TL;DR: I’m 17. Both of my parents have hit me on isolated occasions in the past, although never hard enough to injure me. My dad has also told me to hit myself and threatened to do it for me, poured water on my head during an argument, and forcefully grabbed my arm when I left a tutoring session. At the same time, my parents genuinely care about me, I currently feel safe and generally happy, and things with my dad were cordial again shortly after tonight's argument. I'm trying to figure out how seriously I should judge these incidents without either exaggerating or minimizing them, and whether calmly disengaging from disrespect is the right approach.