It feels like hrt has done almost nothing for me at 10 months.

I have grown small boobs and gotten some hips, that’s it. I was incredibly excited for the plethora of effects that hrt would bring last August, and I accepted that things would take time before they got going. I started relatively young at 19 so I should be good right? But time passed and then some more time passed and now I’m here at 10 months. And I just need to vent about this.

My upper body is still extremely bulky. I have a 19 inch bideltoid with extremely developed traps despite going to the gym less than 100 times in my entire life. Accompanying my massive round shoulders are thick arms. I was so excited for muscle loss from hrt, but 0 has come my way. I thought being a lazy bum and dieting would aid with muscle loss but apparently not.

My face has horrible skin. Every single post about hrt talks about how your skin becomes super smooth and sometimes fragile. Paler and clearer. I haven’t seen any of it, how?? I still look like a scruffy coal miner. I have red blemishes, an uneven complexion, yadda yadda. I cleanse, moisturize and apply sunscreen every day. Why can’t I just be pretty like all the trans girls i see online?

I have a face shape that would make a terminally online looksmaxxer jealous. Hooded eyes with a logitech mouse jawline. I can’t even blame bruxism because it’s bone, not muscle. From a distance my chin sits at the same height as my masseters. There is 0 verticality to my face which emphasises the enormous jaw. I have a bulbous nose with is the worst kind of nose to have for rhinoplasty and in the meantime it makes me look like a real life caricature.

My ribcage prevents me from hiding my shoulders behind an hourglass figure because it’s simply too wide and uniform. Weight loss can’t fix that.

I think the worst part is that the hrt is working. It just clearly isn’t enough to fix the infinite layers of wrong that my body is. I have boobs. I have some fat distribution to the hips and butt. My face looks slightly more feminine than it did when I started. But it’s not even close to being close to being enough.

Is this it? Did I just draw the short end of the stick, and now I will never be able to pass? I don’t think I can continue to march on if I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.