I’ve never felt truly beautiful or loved and I’m scared

TW:Faked Miscarriage

I (17f) am the result of a broken and dramatic one night stand. My mother lied about her age got pregnant lied about losing the baby, didn’t know who my dad was and finally gave up her parental rights to my dad.

Theres much more messy details to the whole story of how I came to be but the point of this post is that I’ve never felt truly, undeniably, and unconditionally loved. Not by a partner, not by a friend, and not by family.

I‘ve felt cared about and I’ve felt prioritized but never the feeling of love I feel for other, I feel like I give 100% of myself to everyone and it’s not enough.

As for feeling beautiful I’ve always been tall (5ft 11inch) and chubby not obese or fat necessarily, but just big enough to feel insecure and ugly, combined with my height I have always been grossly aware of the space I take up. I have sensitive skin and sometimes break out but not crazy. I have never had a boyfriend, I have never had a talking stage, a first kiss, had sex, or anything of the sort. I have never been the friend a boy looks at or been asked out. I don’t necessarily feel ugly all the time, I’ve felt pretty. But I’ve never felt beautiful or wanted I’ve never felt like I could ever be the girl someone thinks about or is worried to ask out. I have plenty of male friends and each one has explained how they can’t stop thinking about a girl and every time I just think about how a boy has never felt like that and that he never will.

I know I’m smart and would like to go to uni but I’m not sure for what and overall feel like I was not meant for the world like some higher power or god made a mistake with me.

I’m not sure what to do anymore and I just need to get it out and to hear someones opinion or thoughts and advice that hasn’t been deluded by knowing or seeing me. so any comments at all will be read and appreciated.

For anyone to say that I’m making things up in my head my family and friends including my own mother have always made comments about my appearance so Im sure it is to at least some degree true.