Want to explore w men but I'm scared

TW: Past SA mentioned

So basically for the past nearly 10 years I've been curious about being with a man. It will come to mind and then leave every few months. But honestly I think I'm actually ready to pursue it atp in my life.

I think what is making me unsure is the arrangement I actually want to have. Not just that but my insecurity with being desirable to men. Before I transitioned, I got zero male attention. My only experiences have been assault to be completely frank. So I get a bit intimidated not having control of the situation. I also struggle with even being desirable to men in the first place.

I want an arrangement where I can kind of explore a mans body, I guess? Be able to play with his cock and just get used to his anatomy. Sort of like a friends with benefits thing, but I'm the one w the power to start and stop things.

I'm concerned about even asking for this arrangement because attempts in the past have lead to men pressuring me to do more or be really creepy about their intentions to push it very far very fast and it just makes me uncomfortable.

I'm not sure if this is something thats even reasonable to pursue, or even how to go about this. I live in a big city with a large LGBT population as well. I'm guessing a straight dude wouldn't want to do this either.

Would appreciate advice on how to go about this, or tell me if it's a weird/bad idea. I tried Grindr but it seems like it's full of those types of guys I described above.