Assalamu Alaikum Everyone...Posting from a throwaway account...

I’m a 36-year-old married Muslim man with four children. I work as a visa consultant in a workplace where I met a woman who is originally from North Africa. She is also Muslim and has children.

I’m posting this because I genuinely need some outside perspective, especially from people who can look at this from an Islamic and practical point of view.

When I initially joined my workplace, she contacted me regarding a US visa renewal. Over the following months, I helped her with visa-related matters and documents. Eventually, she opened up to me about her personal circumstances.

She told me that she had custody of her children and that her husband had physically abused her in front of one of their children. She also told me about difficulties with her family, her widowed sister, her sick mother, and various financial problems she was dealing with.

I started feeling sorry for her and, over time, developed feelings for her. I began thinking that perhaps I could marry her as a second wife and give her and her children stability and support.

At the time, I genuinely believed my feelings were coming more from compassion and wanting to help than from lust.

There were several occasions where I helped her financially. Some were relatively small amounts, but eventually the amounts became much larger.

At one point, she told me that she needed around 170,000 SAR to settle various financial and legal problems. I told her I would try to help, although I obviously couldn't produce that amount immediately.

I eventually borrowed money from my brother and a friend, and when money from one of my own business transactions came through, I transferred around 67,000 SAR to her.

She knew that I had borrowed money to help her.

There were also other expenses I had paid for her previously, including visa-related expenses and other things she needed. At various points, she also sent me affectionate and intimate messages/videos, and our communication became more personal.

This is where things became complicated.

She continued to expect the remaining money, while I was struggling with my own financial obligations. I eventually told her that I myself have significant debts and that I would need time.

She became upset and said that I had promised to give her the money and that I had changed after she told me about her problems.

I felt that my own financial situation wasn't being considered.

We argued, and I eventually told her that I couldn't continue helping financially because I had my own responsibilities. She thanked me for everything I had done and said goodbye.

But I felt guilty because I kept thinking about her children and everything she was going through. So I went back and told her that I had made an intention to help and would try to fulfil my promise.

The situation continued to be emotionally complicated.

Then, recently, I asked her something that I probably should have asked much earlier.

I asked whether she was actually divorced from her husband.

She told me that her husband had never divorced her, but that they had been separated since 2024 and that because of the prolonged hijr (separation/abandonment), she considered herself divorced according to Islam.

This honestly shocked me.

I told her that she should have made this clear from the beginning, because I had been developing romantic feelings and discussing marriage with a woman who, according to what she herself told me, was still technically married.

I also started questioning myself about whether I had crossed boundaries that I should never have crossed.

Then, a couple of days ago, there was another disagreement.

She was upset because she felt that I wasn't paying enough attention to her and wasn't noticing how sad she was at work. She also told me that her widowed sister was facing eviction because of financial problems.

I told her I was extremely busy and would speak to her later.

When I eventually spoke to her that night, the conversation came back to the remaining money. I told her that I intended to arrange the remaining amount, but I couldn't tell her exactly when I would have it.

She responded in a way that made me feel that she expected the money very soon.

She also said something along the lines of:

She also made comments about how I seemed happy and excited when other women were speaking to me at work.

That really hurt me.

I told her that she doesn't understand the pressure and problems I am dealing with myself, and that I would keep my promise but that after that perhaps both of us should go our separate ways.

The next morning, I sent her a message saying that I wasn't going to defend myself, argue or justify anything, and that I hoped she had a good day.

She replied:

"Jumu'ah Mubarak. There is no need to defend yourself or justify yourself. Time and circumstances will show everything."

Since then, I've been thinking very seriously about this entire situation.

My questions are:

1. Am I being emotionally and financially used, or am I being unfair because she genuinely has serious problems?
2. Did I make a serious mistake by becoming emotionally involved before establishing whether she was actually divorced?
3. Islamically, does prolonged hijr/separation automatically make a woman divorced if her husband never pronounced talaq?
4. Should I completely stop giving her money, even though I have already promised to help with the remaining amount?
5. Should I even consider marrying her anymore?

The biggest fear I have is this:

What happens if I give her another huge amount of money, continue supporting her, and then her situation with her husband changes? What if she reconciles with him? What if she decides she doesn't want to marry me?

I could potentially end up financially devastated while she moves on with her life.

At the same time, I don't want to look back and feel that I abandoned a woman and her children when I had the ability to help.

I am already married with four children, and I don't want to destroy my own family's financial or emotional stability because I became emotionally involved in someone else's problems.

I'm genuinely confused about where compassion ends and unhealthy attachment begins.

Please don't just tell me "she's a scammer" or "you're a bad husband." I know I've made mistakes here.

I'm looking for honest advice from Muslims who can look at this objectively, particularly regarding the Islamic aspect of her marital status, the financial situation, and whether marriage should even be considered after all of this.

JazakAllahu khairan.