I feel like I’m never going to fall in love again / or maybe I don’t deserve to?

Please do not comment the “love finds you when you stop looking for it” line 🥺 - I agree but also, respectfully, I don’t think that’s always true.

TW* DV & EA.

For context, I u-hauled very young (20) and ended up in a DV relationship and experienced lot of emotional abuse which also increased SI thoughts within myself - I was essentially trauma bonded. I have spent a long time healing from this, (4+ years) I stayed single awhile to heal, I’ve dated casually but nothing long term since. I really really loved that girl (from my early 20’s) despite everything and the conclusion of our relationship truly did traumatize me and I have since developed chronic pain which is potentially attributed as a consequence of the DV.

I have been and am currently in therapy and have fairly stable mental health these days , I’m working my dream job, I’m (26F) now (almost 27) and I’ve been essentially single since I was 22. I have an incredible group of friends, my job is arts based and I have a massive creative community, I live with roommates and have a lovely cat, I have a decent relationship with my family, I dance & longboard when I feel able, I take care of myself, I have many events and hobbies and things todo - I’m saying this because my time is filled with the opportunity to meet people and it is always within my realm but I’m also a very individual and know how to be alone well - my job is very people oriented as well and often about love and relationships, and I have a somewhat well known media following / I am known (maybe this is a deterrent, I have no idea).

I have tried and deleted dating apps, I’ve been set up by other people to meet new people, I go to house parties, I go to clubs, I try new things, I’m a massive social butterfly, I make the first move, I ask for numbers (I’ve met so many amazing friends this way 😂)

But either the people I like don’t like me back, or they don’t want what I want. I met a girl last year who is mostly figuring herself out at a local queer club but we ultimately have just become best friends (I’m happily okay with that, we make really good friends.) and before that it was a bi girl in class but we only hooked up once and she has a preference for men (which is completely okay), most recently it was a girl I did meet via a dating app but she said she wasn’t ready for anything serious and some healing todo and I respected that and we parted ways.

During Pride I ended up seeing THE ex and was honestly a little set off, also bc her new gf (the gf after the gf that was after me) has also been stalking my social media (I can see her profile views) which,,, it’s been 4 years,, why?

I think this is all coming up for me right now because I wonder why this person has so easily met new girls and just happily had these full relationships and everyone else around me is engaged or married and everyone just seems so happy and in love. (Again, I could be hyper focused due to the construct of my job as well lmao, which is my choosing)

What I have in my life - friends, family, pets, work, I am incredibly grateful for and I’ve worked hard to maintain and create this safe environment and life for myself, but I find myself a bit sad that I have no one to share it with in a partnership way. I know I’m not the only person who feels this way, I know what’s meant for me won’t pass me by, but I can’t say it doesn’t make me a little lonely when everyone else including a person who deeply hurt me has been able to achieve these things so casually.

I just really miss having someone to be very deeply and foolishly in love with, and maybe that will come by again, I just worry it won’t - whether I’m looking or not.