I don't really know how to start this but I need to get this off my chest somehow because sitting with these thoughts has been eating me alive and I don't think I would taste good. For a while I've been having thoughts of what it would feel like if I was a girl. I don't know why. I wish I knew why, but I don't, which ain't too good. I guess I've never really liked who I am as a person. The majority of my friends in the past few years have been girls, and now my only friend is a girl. For the most part I've just gotten along better with them I think. It feels weird to think about this stuff, even weirder to voice it out loud. I'm already autistic, I don't want another label. It doesn't help too that it's almost impossible it seems to figure out how much I should be listening to these thoughts, whether or not I should go through with it. I feel like my brain works too analytically (I think that's the right word I don't know) for this. I wish I had some kind of progress bar, or graph, or objective marker, or anything to just tell me straight, solid evidence, whether or not to go through with this. Instead it's just how I feel, and I hate that, because it's difficult to know how I feel. I have been wearing more clothes recently that are widely regarded as being more feminine, part of me wishes I could wear more. I started playing as female characters in games more. I don't know why, it just feels nice. I told my friend about all this a couple days ago. It was terrifying but I felt like I needed to somehow voice these thoughts to someone I trust. She had a much better reaction than I expected, more curious if anything, which I didn't mind. Even joked about getting matching outfits which helped ease my mood a little. I don't know if I should go through with this. I'm awful at making even small decisions, let alone something as big as this. I've always been extremely indecisive and bad at making decisions for myself without help from others, and even when I get help it feels like I'm giving up control, which doesn't feel good at all. I know my parents would be supportive, but even then just the thought of anyone else knowing feels daunting. I have considered voice training, it would be something to do when I'm bored maybe, and I get bored often. If I do ever go through with it then I think I already have a good idea of what I'd change my name too. My middle name. I like it. I've always hated my name, but I like my middle name. I've been using it more recently just to test whether I like it more or not, and I think I do. I don't know. I don't know what to think of all this and thinking about it for too long feels bad. That's all, I think.

I'm confused and a teensy weensy bit terrified.