Gay, but not gay

Ok, I am wondering how common this is. I am attracted to women exclusively. I have been married and lost her to a heart attack. I never cheated on her. I also have two children from a previous marriage. But I have serious self-esteem issues. I feel inferior to other men. I have always felt this way. I can think of no better way to prove my inferiority than to submit sexually to men. I am not attracted to men. I understand that being a "bottom" does not make anyone inferior, so if anyone is offended, please know that I do understand this. But for a straight man to get down on his knees and suck another man's dick, that is truly submissive. That's why I do it. I did it just tonight. I found a guy online, went to his house, and sucked his dick. We never even exchanged names. I was just a thing to him, something for him to use and then discard. He didn't even walk me to the door. He just told me to leave, so I let myself out and drove home. But as I was leaving, I didn't feel humiliated. I felt glad to have been seen as what I am; an inferior male who is not worth the attention of real men.

I don't see this as a problem and I am not interested in therapy. I am just wondering if anyone else out there is like this.