What do you call it when you want to die but you are too scared to die and don’t want to hurt others with your choice?

I can’t stop the sadness and I can’t control my anger, I hate myself, and the way that I react to things, I’m scared of my future, I should have faith in myself but I don’t, I’ve never thought I was smart, I’ve never been good at anything not even sports, I jsut wish I had a talent like a true talent. Everything is jsut so much and Ik that’s life and Ik I should be thankfully to be alive be people die everyday and people deal with worse things. But I’m just in so much pain and I feel like I have no one to express this to.
And I’m just so scared of like if i possibly need meds, like why can’t I jsut be happy on my own and enjoy my happiness, I’m so tired of sad and angry, and like those to emotion are always latched on to my happiness and pulls it down, it’s like a shadow that controls me.

I’ve never used Reddit before today so I’m not really sure how this works or if anyone will see this, but if anyone has opinions or if this feel relatable lmk pls.