I just need to say it somewhere

(Sorry for how long this is, I just need to get this off my chest)

In the last 2 months I recently realized I definitely like men. And I just feel weird.

I’m 19(M) and I realized that I’m bi or gay. I’ll come back to that. I have no male gay/queer friends to talk to about it. I have my lesbian friend, who was the second person I told about my feelings for men, and I’ve been talking to her the most about what Ive been thinking about and she’s been a great help, but she said that she may not be the best source on info for what I’m feeling because she’s not well versed in male queerness (idk if it matters but since I have no once else to relate to about this I thought I’d ask a larger community lol)

So I thought I’d just post something here since I’ve been scrolling for the last little while.

I’ve never really been interested in anything I’d consider queer media, and I don’t have many queer friends. I’m completely new to a lot of this, even though I’ve grown up close to probably the most openly queer part of my country (though I grew up around a smaller catholic community before I went to high school, no one in my family is religious, but this could’ve impacted my views of myself a bit). I’m just so confused. I thought I liked only woman. I denied liking men, I always felt weird around gay men, I thought I had some sort of internalized homophobia, turns out I was just attracted to them. (I would even watch gay porn and make excuses along the line of “the regular stuff is just boring, this isn’t gay, I just need something new” I was in DENIAL). But after finishing my first year of university and hanging out with my friends at the start of the summer, I realized I couldn’t deny it anymore when I felt a really strong sexual attraction to one of my male friends who is definitely more manly looking. Im not romantically attracted to him at all, though I do find him very hot. But it made me realize I’d be completely open to a romantic relationship with a man and possibly even prefer it, and it kind of scared me and I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s because I’d be afraid of how people would see me? My friends, family, strangers. But I don’t know why I would care what others think, but I do care, and I hate that.

It’s also made me realize that I don’t know if I’m gay or bi. When I first got these feelings I just assumed I was bi, because I’ve dated women in high school. But the sexual attraction I feel to men has become stronger than the attraction I feel towards most women. It did make me realize that I might have mixed up feelings of strong friendship with romantic attraction to women. While I feel strong sexual attraction to men, I think I still do have sexual attraction for women, I usually only feel it to women I’m good friends with. And I think that that’s why it’s confusing me. And now all I can think about is having a boyfriend, I can still imagine my self with a woman but it’s feeling less natural, unless it’s with a woman I’m already very close with.

I’ve also been stressed about telling people or them finding out. I know my family will likely accept me. My parents have told me that if I ever came out in any form they would still love me. I’m also pretty sure most of my friends wouldn’t care if I was gay or bi and that I would still be their friend (I told my catholic friend last week and he said that I was still his best friends and we are still brothers, genuinely nearly made me tear up. He is the third person I’ve told and he was the one I was most nervous about telling, just wanted to get it out of the way lol). But I think I would just feel awkward being observed by my friends, family, or strangers while I’m being with a man as my partner. Maybe it just feels weird because these are new thoughts I’m having. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid they’ll look at me differently or treat me differently. Not in a bad way, it’s just I don’t want to be treated differently, I’m still the same guy.

I’m also kind of stressed about being in queer community’s because I’ve never been in one, and I think I’m very straight looking (idk if that’s bad). I don’t remember how the conversation started but when I was still in denial of my feelings at 17, I was told by one of my bi friends that I was the straight person she knows, I just remember laughing and agreeing while mental going over all the gay thoughts I tried to suppress. I don’t know if I’d stick out in queer community’s, I hate sticking out, it makes me anxious.

I do think everything will be fine. I’m still apprehensive to do anything with a guy because I feel so nervous about how I’ll be perceived. I don’t want someone I’m dating to deal with my own insecurities or to feel like they are a secret, I don’t want to put a guy I’d be dating through that. I want to be confident enough to openly love my partner.

I feel like I’m just overthinking everything. Sorry for rambling on, just needed to say this somewhere.

I think I just need some words of advice, opinions, or to hear others experiences with how the came to realize they were gay/bi.