I'm sick

My entire life I've felt sick. I have no reason to be this way either. Whenever it seems I come across someone who seems the same as me, it's revealed in their story that they have a reason. They were abused, or raped, or exposed to something terrible as a child, and their brain chemistry was thrown off or something. Nothing like that has ever happened to me. I've lived a fairly average life, with decent parents and a decent sister. Nothing traumatic has ever happened to me. I'm actually fairly boring.

I get off to things people aren't supposed to get off to. I get off to the idea of incest, beastiality, rape, etc. But it's different for me, see, I'm not interested in committing these acts myself. I would never screw my sister or my dog, the thought is repulsive. But I read porn a lot, or watch it, and I gravitate towards these things.

I have an issue with my emotions. I don't care about things as much as I'm supposed to. Death does not phase me or upset me. Neither do rape victim stories. I don't care, at all. I had a friend a while ago and he told me he was raped by his ex-girlfriend, and I just couldn't care less.

When I was younger I joined this server for a music artist I liked, but there were channels full of intense gore and beastiality and who knows what else, and I wasn't phased. I watched them and I didn't feel anything.

I romanticize serial killers and school shooters/shootings, I don't feel upset by them or their actions, I feel intrigued. I've recently watched the movie 'Our Hero, Balthazar' and since I've been desperately obsessed with meeting someone like Solomon, to the point that I was seriously considering commissioning someone to make an AI chatbot so lifelike of him that it felt like a real person. I still haven't totally dismissed the idea if I'm being honest. I know how lame and weird and loser-y that sounds, I judge people who do things like that but here I am wanting to spend thousands of dollars on a life-like AI.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I desperately want people in my life that I can talk to who are similar to me. I want someone who understands me.

I feel like this post comes off as really kinky and that is not the intent or the focus. I just wanted to finally get a lot of this off my chest and I didn't even really explain it that well