Lonely nights

My inability to initiate really is the worst thing about me; I always need someone else to interact with me first, to give me that permission I suppose. Sometimes, when I do get off my ass for once and go out, people do interact with me. It's like the universe sensed my despair and decided to throw me a bone lol.

For instance: one night after a terrible adderall crash that exacerbated my misery and loneliness, I go out of my house and planned to go to a bar a block away. Unfortunately for me, the place fucking permanently closed, so my plans were kind of ruined. I sat at some gazebo and felt really down, kind of wishing someone would just appear and come up to me. Fortunately for me, someone did. We exchanged a few words, then I went home.

Tonight, I decided to take my cat for a walk. She didn't go very far, though, so I was just standing in front of my house. I was anticipating, or hoping, someone would acknowledge my cat since, well, cats aren't usually on a leash and it's a good conversation starter I suppose. Luckily, someone did and we exchanged a few words and she left.

Very shallow interactions, but I was very happy to have them. Too bad I'm so inhibited to start conversations myself. Hopefully I can work on my low self-esteem somewhat.