I feel so out of place in social settings since deciding to leave

I’ve been trying to push myself and go to more non JW social events since deciding to leave. I’m aware of the fact that having a community helps and I’m doing my best to try to figure out how to build another one. But it’s been hammered into me my entire life that you don’t want to make friends with people that are not Jehovah’s Witnesses. That it can be so dangerous that the friendship could ruin your eternal salvation.

I try to relax because I know I won’t meet anyone if I’m awkward and anxious. But I honestly don’t know what to talk about in conversations. I don’t like people asking questions about me, especially because I don’t really know what I identify with anymore. And being a married woman makes me very confused about if even conversations with the opposite sex are OK. I had to be careful with literally every brother in the organization. There was never a time where I felt like I didn’t need my husband involved, even in a simple interaction.

I know I need to push myself because I need to find friends outside the cult. It’s just hard because I don’t trust people. My trust has been broken so deeply that I’m afraid to be vulnerable with anybody. And I’m also dealing with being judged by other witnesses right now. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. It makes me so angry that I am trying to build a new community in my 40s. I am trying to be kind to myself to allow healing but at the same time people need people. The only feeling I’ve ever had that similar to this is when I had to move schools and I didn’t know anyone. It was scary and lonely, and it feels the same as an adult.

Best life ever……..