How can I get my husband to at least leave me alone

Disclaimer

I am going to alter details of the story in order to protect those who are guilty and those who are innocent. I am not a perfect partner, nor perfect person. I am 40f, he is 42m.

My husband and I married a decade ago, and to be honest, we were completely different people than we are today. Life has hit us with hard blows that would KO the strongest of people and strongest family units.

The last four years I have been working with mental health providers. I have been working in therapy, with a psychiatrist, and even spent a period of time inpatient for my mental health.

It has been difficult because not only have I lost a lot of of the things that made me proud of myself as a human, person, and individual, I feel like people think I’m going to magically one day just become the person I used to be. I don’t even think I was the person they think I used to be. Nonetheless, the last number of years I have been trying to take accountability, incorrect my actions to be a better wife, family, member, and partner.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD, major depressive disorder, anxiety, and CPTSD. I take my meds as prescribed (even take breaks!).

There are nights when I am struggling and will get out of bed to go to another room to read Reddit. I used to scroll TikTok but not anymore. Any time I get closed to it or post a video o something all the sudden I’m attention seeking and wanting to become some influencer. Or I’m cheating.

He will come in like he’s trying to catch me doing something and accuse me of something. Then he will look at me and walk away. He say it’s unreasonable for me to leave the bed. When they ask people they agree it’s weird. When I ask what he tells them he paints the story he assumes, as if what his eyes and my evidence showed him was false.

My husband ALSO works 60 hour workweeks and has a long commute. His sleep is precious. He says he will sleep just fine and it’s me there but I disturb him and then he’s just super upset in the morning.

At this point I feel like I can’t win. Everything I enjoy disgusts him. He doesn’t understand why I need attention from anyone else.

It’s become suffocating. I will be doing the right thing, minding my own business, only to be accused of wrongdoing then blamed for defending myself/reacting in any way.

Like I said- I’ve been in therapy for years and I’ve tried to get him in, but he just drags his feet. When he goes we have good weeks- then it goes back to how it was.

I’ve used all my words and techniques, taken accountability and acted, heck even thought of my own boundaries and consequences and honestly- im out of options. When I ask him what I can do to make it so he won’t be mean to me and he says he isn’t. When I finally throw a sassy remark his way, he hits me with “yeah, keep giving that attitude see what I do.” He said the other night, “yeah, how about I treat you the way you treat me!” And I’m like “HOW DO I TREAT YOU POORLY?!” And AGAIN- no answer.

I feel like I am a looney toon for thinking my intimate partner should want to be nice to me and make me feel loved?

Inevitably when I talk to people they just tell me it’s my problem and I’m the wife and thus I need to fix it and not worry about him, stop involving him.

But it’s like- ok, but I’m just living my life and I have to stop to be accused of wrongdoing and then I’ll present evidence and be told I could be faking it.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t move farther away or else I’m wrong, I can’t move closer or else I’m wrong.

How can I get my husband to leave me alone.