Feelings of shame.

Hello,

I just want to start off by saying, I have not been diagnosed but I strongly identify with this sub.

When I first came across this disorder, I looked it up on YouTube and I remember the videos being so awful that I couldn’t really relate, but also, I didn’t WANT to relate. The way that someome with OCPD was characterized in these videos were awful. I’m sure you know what I mean.

Fast forward to present day and I’ve been exploring this sub. No one here seems like a bad person, I can actually find humor in some of the more humorous, relatable posts. But I’ve been having difficulty falling asleep at night, I keep ruminating on what an awful person I must be for other people to be around. Always needing to be right and so argumentative. I recently had a disagreement with my mom, and I felt so awful the rest of the day. I realized I thought I knew what was best for her, but when she declined help in that area, I became insistent about my way, and, quite frankly, acted like a total bitch.

I think I am only this way with people I’m closest to, there’s a certain level of comfort I feel with them to act like this. But now I’m wondering if there are other horrible defects that I can’t see in myself while others can. And do they think I’m a monster? Is it just a well known fact among people who know me?

I really hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, either. I don’t actually believe people with this disorder are bad people. Logically, I know that I’m not a bad person, either. But I guess it’s just the shame I feel that is associated with potentially having this, and part of that comes from the negative videos I had watched before. The other part comes from realizing that I’m possibly a really horrible person to be around sometimes.

I guess I’m just asking if anyone else has experienced these feelings? Can you improve and make progress with this disorder? Can I actually work to control what I say before it comes out of my mouth? How did you get over feelings of shame?