Damsel Causing Distress - Episode 12 (17) - A Q&A
Note: My (mis)adventures are part of a bigger series, but I wrote my tales in the format of an episodic T.V. show, where you can read an episode without the context of the others and still enjoy it. If anything, reading it out of order may be more fun. - A curious (like the monkey) Theseus
---
“What is wrong with you?” Ludus shook my shoulder with one hand, shield in the other.
“Well I mean, I have an eye injury now.” I pointed with my free hand.
Scout executed the same deep breaths people do when they struggle not to laugh at me. Yes, I can tell.
“But why has that set you off so much? I mean, not even getting shot at made you this upset.” I pontificated dumbly.
Ludus squeezed harder unintentionally (she really is jacked) and stuttered, unable to compute. That and the rage, mostly rage.
“Because if you think Scout Scrarcan looks, ‘fine’ what about the rest of us. If this is just fine to you.” She pointed at Scout's face.
“Listen I appreciate it, Ludus, but he’s…” Scout glanced down at me, “He’s hopeless.” She sighed then laughed, “And apart from his eye, I also think he looks pretty average too.”
“And I only like Scout for her money.” I bowed in agreement, we fist bumped.
“But her shirt was…” Ludus mimed her shirt off.
“I know, I know.” Scout padded Ludus on the shoulder. “It’s just me, he can’t function around beautiful women normally. Except for me.” Scout became one with her stink eye towards me.
“Ugly.” I coughed.
“Short.” Scout coughed.
“Okay, if we keep talking about it anymore, I think I will just upset myself further.” Ludus took a deep breath, and attempted to shake off the demons.
“That’s a good idea, we could argue for the next hour.” Scout followed suit and took a deep breath.
“Oh, I’ll kill God if it means proving her wrong.” I agreed.
“Oh, like you could reach.” Scout stopped midway through a Zen breath.
“Okay, Okay. I understand. How about we go over the plan again.” Ludus waved her arms like we were angry chickens.
“Okay, The Grounds Keeper said something about the next few blocks being blown up soon.” I made the blowing up sound.
“Under construction and set for demolition.” Scout interrupted.
“Boring but accurate.” I put my hand down.
She continued, “So, at least we can move during daylight, above ground without getting into another public shootout. So no risk of innocent-”
I bunny eared the word ‘innocent’.
“Innocent bystanders.” Scout rolled her eyes.
“So, all we have to do is avoid any more attackers, and find somewhere to rest for tonight.” Ludus added. It was still 4:00 AM or something ridiculous.
“Also, what did the Grounds Keeper say to you, Ludus?” Scout asked.
Before we skedaddled from the cemetery the Grounds Keeper asked who was the most responsible between the three of us, Scout and I pointed at Ludus before he finished his sentence. He knelt down and whispered something to Ludus, who nodded silently.
“Do not push the red button.” Ludus answered.
“That’s it?” Scout didn’t really ask.
“He did say you two would be disappointed at the answer, but yes, that is it.” Ludus fiddled with her shield.
“Okay, well, if I see a red button sometime in the future, I’ll be sure not to press it.” I lied.
“Yeah you will.” Scout nodded.
“Yeah I will.” We walked more in silence, in the vague direction of those soon to be annihilated buildings. Footsteps echoing in the night.
“I am sorry about the fight. I am sure I must have been a bother, bumping into you all so much. Especially you Theseus, I am so sorry.” Ludus groveled out of nowhere, and mostly towards the ground.
“What no, it's fine.” I said bewildered, not angry, I guess I have one of those resting faces.
“Yeah, it’s alright.” Scout added.
“Oh, I thought you two were mad at me.” Ludus scratched her arm.
“No.” Scout shot out, now mad at Ludus thinking she was mad. Which kinda ruins the point, but sure.
“You’re just new to the whole fighting thing. I sucked at it as a kid.” I shooed my arm at the air, and tried to get Ludus' disappointment in the cross fire.
“Yeah, it’s just that Theseus and I have done it so much together, we barely even have to talk to each other during it. It’s just that when we added you to it, it changed up our rhythm.” Scout clarified.
“Oh, yes I see, I suppose adding another woman to a marriage would have that effect.” Ludus said utterly deadpan.
I nearly fell over laughing.
“What? What?” Scout shook her head violently, and backed away from the scene of the crime.
“Shh, we’re outdoors.” I grabbed Scout’s shoulder to keep myself up.
“I am just saying, having a third would definitely upset the balance of a marriage.” Ludus continued on with the prognosis.
I fell over.
“No. No.” Scout shook her head, but still grinned. “You’re supposed to be a sweet Princess.”
“Well, I am not the one who invited myself to do it with you two, though I am starting to like it despite myself.” She placed a hand on her chest in mock offense.
I half cackled, half cried.
“And, your are one to talk Mrs. Scrarcan. I have never heard someone verbally abuse their husband so much. How does the saying go again? ‘Down to Earth.’ You are supposed to be the most down to Earth out of your family, known for kindness, intelligence beyond her years, gorgeous, unattainable.” Ludus clutched at her chest.
“Stop! Stop! I’m gonna pee!” I slammed the ground.
“So, you’re a pervert?!” Scout tried to ask seriously, but laughed half way through.
“Only a little bit.” Ludus said innocently, “I thought it was as good a time as any to reveal at least some semblance of my actual humor. Seeing how comfortable you are with Theseus.” Ludus mimed her shirt off again. “I figured I should join in, being your third and all.”
“Ludus, you’re awesome.” I wiped a tear and pulled myself up.
“Thank you.” She said with a single, firm nod.
Scout still looked like she just found her darling little sister kissing someone behind a tree. But eventually pulled herself together.
“But, she actually does have a point. Scout and I got better in fights together after we got to know each other more. Honestly I don’t know anything about you Ludus, and apparently Scout is nice in public view, so you clearly don’t know anything about what she’s actually like.” I burst out laughing, again.
“Jump off a bridge, Himbo, I’m a bundle of joy.” Scout retorted instantly.
“See.” I pointed at her teeth.
“So, you are saying we should all get to know each other, to get better at fighting?” Ludus looked at her shield.
“Yep.”
“Alright, I’m in, Fourteen Questions?” Scout asked Ludus.
“Yes, I think that would do nicely.” She rolled her shoulders back, ready to tackle someone, I guess.
“What that?” I asked.
“Oh, yes, different cultures. Fourteen Questions is a game to get to know people in our culture. Self explanatory, we take turns asking each other questions.” Ludus rubbed her hands together.
“Why fourteen?”
“It’s a good luck thing for us.” Scout paused, “And we can’t lie, so you have to be honest.” Scout grabbed one of her horns, and pointed at me.
“Oh, right, forget about that.” I said every word slightly too long in realization. “Okay, I’ll go first. Scout, are you really nice to people other than me?” I took a step back from her, preparing myself for her to attack like a wild dog.
“Wow, just wasting that first question.” She sighed, “Yeah, listen you beat up my brother. I’m the only person who can embarrass him like that. Life is easier when you are nice to people, especially when you have so many eyes on you. I can’t afford to be rude. But,” A painful pause.
“I’m comfortable around you. You had no idea who I happened to be related to until you met my parents. You don’t care that I’m a Scrarcan. So, I get to be more of myself around you. Everyone expects things from me, you don’t.” Scout whispered.
“Jesus.” I stared. “I know it’s not like you directly lie to me, because of the whole Hell thing. But man, you are also not this directly honest with me either.” I made sure it was still the right- well not ‘right’ Scout, but the Scout I know at least.
“Next question.” She sighed.
“Okay number two.” Ludus said. “Theseus do you really think I’m prettier than Scout-”
“Yes.” I answered.
“Really, after I said all of that?” Scout was no longer mad, just disappointed.
“I’m supposed to be honest.” I shrugged.
“I’ll shoot you.” Scout was back to anger now.
“Fine. It’s not that I find Scout, that hideous.” I started.
“Great.” Enraged.
I started again, “Fine, wow being honest sucks. I find calling Scout ugly fun-”
“Wow.” Ready to kill.
“But, it’s only because I know through the objective sense that she’s pretty, and also because she knows she’s pretty. Scout’s cocky like that. Especially the way guys stare at her. Even the way you look at her Ludus, the appreciation. Awe, I guess? So, everybody her whole life has called her pretty, being the first guy to call her ugly, it makes me happy, and she knows she’s pretty.”
“Oh.” Scout no longer wanted to strangle me.
“And, she pulled a gun on me the first time we met, and threatened to blow my brains out. She constantly makes fun of me, and we argue almost every time we speak to each other. So, her personality cancels out her prettiness to me.” I rapidly listed.
“That’s fair.” Scout primed to wrap her hands around my neck before deflating. “My turn, third question. Why are you still with us Ludus? I mean, Theseus hates cops, and asking for help. So he rather fight his way across downtown to reach his house, while being chased by kidnappers, just to prove he can-”
“I feel like this is more insulting me than asking a question, but okay.” I interrupted.
“But back to the point.” Scout shushed a hand to my face, “I mean I know you ran away from home, and I understand why, but given the situation you could also come back. I know for a fact we both have kidnapping insurance. So your family could rescue you, it’s just that you haven’t asked for help, and we’re on the move so much, only the kidnappers are able to find us.” Scout leaned in, curiosity mixed with concern.
“Well, I have been sheltered all my life, I felt suffocated and wanted to see the world. This is not exactly what I had in mind, but it is exciting. I am also embarrassed to go back to my parents. They will not let me out of the house for at least a month once I finally go back home, so I would like to enjoy my freedom as long as possible.” Ludus answered with a half embarrassed smile.
“Alright that makes sense.” Scout patted Ludus shoulder again.
“Also Theseus is cute and you do not seem to want him.” Ludus continued with explosive earnestness.
I stopped mid step, I’m not exactly sure what shade of red I was at the time, but even a colorblind guy could tell. Definitely red.
“You broke him, you can’t be saying things like that to him.” Scout lectured like an exhausted first time parent. I forced the blood out of my cheeks.
“Okay, listen, I still want to play, but the suns are coming up soon, we should find somewhere to stay, and we can have like a sleep over, or something, and continue with the game.” I desperately tried to change the subject.
Scout's eyes turned on like a flashlight, and she grabbed my hand.
“Oh Hell yeah, sleep over!”
---
Author’s Note: As I’ve thought more about their backstories, I’ve realized how little both you the reader, and the three know about each other. Too busy shooting kidnappers.
Vaguely important second note: This series (for once), and bonus one shots are part of a writing challenge in which I write and post something every day until I finish writing the series. Thus being written like an episodic T.V. show.
Thanks for reading. :}
Day 17/ ?
Posted Aug 17, 2026, 1:28 PM UTC