Im lost

I've endured a childhood where my dad emotionally abandoned me, and my mom always tried to get me "fixed" (I have adhd). At school, I was bullied, and my parents taught me to just ignore it, which led to me suppressing my emotions. Plus, my dad once taught me to always think of what can go wrong so I can prevent it.

In the job world, I've been physically abused by one boss and got let go often bc of my honesty. I keep being told im not interested in the work enough, I worked as a mechanic and I love cars.... I always get everything done and with no complaints from customers. Yet I always keep getting criticized for how I do things.

In relationships with women, I repeatedly got cheated on no matter what I did. And I was naive enough to tolerate it.

I was a heavy drug user, but quit hard drugs 2 years ago. Im now just uncovering my past, and i wanna self isolate so badly, but I got into a relationship 6 months ago.

She's wonderful, but my childhood experiences are now making me see the worst In my partner or even make me believe she is cheating. How do I avoid trying to isolate and push people away or hurt them to drive them away. Bc I know I dont want to react this way. I see that I have a problem.

And if I get help and learn to deal with what happened, who will I become? Will I end up not liking her anymore?

I apologize if this is not meeting the rules, its a first time for me

If I did tell me