illusions of Normalcy

Section 1: Infantilisation and Psychological Control
If I do play along, he calls it "being a good girl," then rewards us with family time as if I were a child winning stickers on a chart. This is a textbook example of infantilisation and psychological control.
By using language meant for a toddler, he is attempting to strip away your status as an adult, an equal partner, and a mother. He is placing himself as the absolute "headmaster" of the house who decides who has been good or bad, and who deserves rewards.
When I threw his own terms back at him, he called me out for talking down to him.
This reaction is a classic, textbook example of hypocrisy and double standards, which is incredibly common in controlling dynamics. He expects absolute entitlement to treat you like a toddler, but the moment you mirror that exact same tone back to him, he experiences what is known as a narcissistic injury. His ego cannot handle being treated the way he treats you, so he flips the narrative to make himself the victim. By calling you out, he is successfully shifting the focus. Instead of discussing his original, demeaning behaviour, the conversation becomes about your alleged disrespect. This is a diversion tactic designed to put you back on the defensive.

Section 2: Weaponised Sexuality and Sabotage
I enjoy non-vanilla sex, and he seems to manipulate that to push past the limits. Instead of keeping it in the bedroom, he is constantly slapping my bottom.
He is weaponising your sexuality to violate your bodily autonomy, humiliate you, and make you feel unsafe in your own home.
He uses high-stress situations as a tool. Under the guise of "helping," he constantly delegates what I should be doing with the children, making it incredibly hard for me to work on my appearance. Sometimes he deliberately invokes long conversations or arguments right before I have important life events.
This is a tactical pattern known as sabotage. By overloading you with demands, dictating your time with the children, and picking massive fights right before important life events, he is deliberately trying to drain your energy, destabilise your focus, and erode your self-esteem. He wants you to feel stressed, exhausted, and unpolished because it keeps you dependent on him. If you are too tired to care for your appearance or too emotionally shattered to perform well at an important event, it keeps you isolated and small. This is an extension of the "sticker chart" control—he decides when you are allowed to function.
When I manage to pull it out of the bag and look good, he doesn’t seem happy, nor is he complimenting me.

Section 3: The Breakfast Incident and The Soft Play Area
We went to breakfast, and I asked, "How were your eggs? Were they done well?"
You replied with that tone you always give me, eyes wide, and said, "Can we just eat the food?" Our older son gets a bit flustered when he doesn’t know what you want, so he ended up spilling a glass. I had to completely handle the situation on my own just so you wouldn't lose your temper.
Tell me, is that normal? Does everyone get treated this way when they ask a simple question?
I made an effort with my appearance, and men passing in their cars looked at me more than you did. It’s like you can’t wait to get away from us. When we got to the soft play area, you started arguing over the entry fee, saying that rather than paying the extra £2.50, I should just go in with them alone. I went in by myself. I’m not going to fight you on it; I know better than that, and a public argument would just be horrible.
However, don’t you want to spend time with us? What is so fundamentally wrong with me that you don’t? I feel unwanted, and I know our children feel the same way. I know our children can be hard work—I’m not saying they are angels, they are children—but is it really so bad that you have to run away? Why would we both even bother going there? I am telling you: be with us. Pay the fucking £2.50, you ass.