Please nobody slander my Mom in the comments. She has a lot of trauma and copes by denial and avoidance. I am not denying what she has done, I just want to acknowledge the pain and move on.  
  
Growing up the main woman in my life was my Mom. Our family lives across the country and I wasn't close to other adults. I've never been close to my Mom.  
  
The only times we hung out when I was younger was when it was for beauty or health. Getting ready in the morning, getting our hair or toes done, going for runs, eating her diet food and taking diet progress pictures. I remember her being so exhausted that we would take care of her sometimes. Being a woman seemed like a weakness and a chore.  
  
She was always comparing herself and commenting negatively about others. She conveniently forgot about hard parts of my life because she was so busy self-protecting. And when something was wrong, it was just "bad" even when she couldn't explain why.  
  
It made me wonder why I'd want to be a woman if I'd grow into someone so bitter and insecure. Why would I live a life of denial and performance?   
  
As strong as she was for the situations we were in, I'm angry about her definition of "being a woman". And I've noticed that people only talk about her good personality in the past tense. I dont want to become a shell of myself.  
  
She's always striving for attention and approval. And when she has nothing to do, she doesn't rest. She has 3 jobs and a nonprofit right now. I can never talk to her at home because her work is more important. Shes emotionally distant and rarely laughs. She lives through books instead of going on adventures with us in real life. Shes inflexible and very controlled. Her life is marked by insecurity and being presentable to others. It just breaks my heart.  
  
And honestly, I'm angry because I see all those things in myself. I can insert my name into this instead of hers and its 90% accurate. Of course I grew up to reflect the only behavior that was ever modeled to me. I'm not as hurt by her behavior as I am by the fact that I mirror it. It feels like my default actions are opposite of what I want.  
  
Now that I'm older I get to choose what kind of woman I want to be. I have a list that I've started working on and it feels good. In a way its like moving against the current. Tiring but fulfilling.  
I just have no examples of how to get there. I have many friends and mentors who are helping and I'm making progress in therapy.. but it feels hard to grow when my growth is seen as competition. My lifelong definition of success left me empty, so I have to search for more answers.  
  
So, what is feminine strength to you? What are traits you admire in the women around you? How did/do you grow in these things?  
  
Food:  
Kale and quinoa bowl with beets, real good chicken strips, feta cheese, and a lemon pesto dressing 💕

Being a woman scares me