I have bad thoughts about being stalked or worse…

I have intrusive thoughts about being stalked, raped, threatened, and bullied by men.

I was raped a few years ago, and it’s always made me feel so guilty and ashamed. I didn’t tell anyone or report it, and I’ve done my best to rebuild my life. I have a good professional job, I bought a house, and I have a boyfriend, so I think I’m doing well for a girl in her 20s. But I still have these horrible thoughts that I can’t control.
I like to pretend to everyone that I’m doing great and have the perfect life, but underneath it all, I feel so damaged by what happened.

I think it’s because part of me feels like I deserve for it to happen again because I did nothing about it the first time. I feel like I was a coward, that I let it happen, and that I didn’t stop him from going on to do it to anyone else.

So whenever I have encounters with men, I get intrusive thoughts about them harassing me, stalking me, raping me, and forcing me to keep quiet about it. I guess it’s like a way of self-harming.