My [34F] boyfriend [33M] says I’m mean for not reminding him of things he forgot because of his ADHD

TLDR: my boyfriend says I’m mean because he forgets a lot because of his ADHD and I don’t remind him even if I remember.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and it’s been hard dealing with his ADHD. He forgets things A LOT. I’ve told him what is important to me in a relationship and that I need a partner who is consistent and considers me in the things that they do. He works hard to do better and is always trying to do all the right things (cleaning up after himself, helping me with household chores, taking me on walks or out to dinner, etc). However, to me, he still lacks a lot of emotional accountability.

My birthday is in two weeks and I got myself a present. I told him about it and he was so bummed because he had apparently been out for the last week searching for this same exact thing to get for me and I could’ve cried I thought that was the sweetest gesture because I honestly can’t remember that last time that someone did something like that for me. I told him he could get me the accessories and he liked that idea. We went out yesterday for the sole purpose of buying everything else that I needed, however when I asked him if he wanted to go he already seemed to forget why. We get there and we walked around looking at random stuff first and then I started collecting together everything that I needed while he asked me about the items I was getting and what they were for, etc. We got up to the register and he just stood there, so I got out my wallet and he watched me pay for all of it and didn’t say a thing.

The next day we were out walking and he mentioned that he still needed to get me something for my birthday and I reminded him then that he was supposed to buy my stuff yesterday. He immediately got upset saying that it was mean of me to not remind him so that he could do that for me. He blamed his ADHD saying that he doesn’t have a choice in how forgetful he is so it’s not his fault. My defense was that his ADHD is absolutely a reason for how forgetful he is, but it’s not an excuse and it’s also not my job to manage his ADHD either. It’s not my job to be his personal calendar and secretary and that there are tools that he should be looking into to help manage his ADHD to make his life easier so that important things, like my birthday, don’t get lost in the abyss.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. Several times he has offered to pay for things for me, like groceries or something or out to dinner, and we will go out for that express purpose and then he’ll either just stand there or disappear to the bathroom when the time comes to pay and so I just do it myself and he gets upset as if it was my fault that he forgot or didn’t get to do the thing that he wanted to do. I have no problem reminding him of little things here and there (can you take the trash out, did you call your doctor, etc) but I feel like I have to draw the line somewhere so that I don’t feel like I’m stuck in limbo waiting on him.

The issue here for me isn’t the money. I have a very good job and live very comfortably and have no problem paying all of my bills and expenses. The issue for me is that I like being thought about and remembered. I don’t like having to constantly remind someone to do the things that they themselves have told me that they would do. If I have to remind someone then I’d rather just do it myself because it’s not the action that I truly care about, it’s that someone thought of me and remembered me and considered me all on their own and took the action from there. He has all the sweetest words, but when it gets down to it, it just makes me feel like I don’t matter to him or like I’m invisible most of the time.

I have so many friends that are legitimately diagnosed with ADHD and I’ve seen their struggles with routines, medication, jobs, friendships, etc. but this is the first time I have ever experienced someone who’s mindset is essentially ‘I have ADHD and you need to learn how to deal with it so that you can support me’. He’s always saying that I need to research ADHD so I can try and understand what he goes through, but I feel like I do, I’m just also going to continue to hold him accountable for what happens because of it and he clearly doesn’t like that. He sees it as me not supporting him.

I’m at a loss for what to do or what to say to him. Am I supposed to be reminding him about every little thing in his life while he just gets to coast by and forget about everything that is important to me? Was it mean of me to not remind him to buy my things in that moment? Am I not supporting him enough?