I’m turning 21 and I feel like everyone is moving forward except me

I know this is probably a pretty normal experience for someone who’s 20, almost 21. People move away, friendships change, university starts, plans don’t work out, and you’re supposed to somehow figure out what the hell you’re doing with your life.

But knowing that doesn’t make it feel any less shitty.
I’ve been in a pretty bad depressive episode for about a month now. I quit my job because I knew I was about to start university and thought taking some time off would give me a chance to get myself together before starting this new chapter. At first, I actually thought I was getting better.

Now I’m not so sure.

Someone who is incredibly important to me and who I used to talk to constantly has barely been able to talk to me for over a week. I miss her a lot. At the same time, several of my friends have left for university, and suddenly my social circle feels so much smaller.

I went through something similar last year when a lot of my friends left for college while I stayed here. I remember telling myself that eventually it would be my turn.

This year was supposed to be my turn.

I’m a transfer student. I’m also Venezuelan, and since coming to the US, I always dreamed about eventually leaving Miami, maybe even leaving Florida, and getting to experience somewhere completely new.

My parents have always been extremely uncomfortable with that idea.

Even when I was planning to transfer to UF, which isn’t even outside Florida, they made it very clear that they didn’t like the idea of me leaving.

Then UF rejected me.
And I could tell they were relieved.

Some of my friends did get into UF, including people I potentially would’ve lived with. I see them moving there now, decorating their apartments, meeting people, going out, and starting this completely new chapter of their lives.
And I genuinely am happy for them. I want them to have an amazing time.

But fuck, I’m jealous too.

I wish I had gotten accepted.

I wish I were packing my things right now, wondering what Gainesville was going to be like and getting nervous about living somewhere new. Instead, I’m staying in Miami, and part of me feels like I’m repeating the same chapter of my life while everyone else gets to turn the page.

I ended up choosing a university here partly because it made my parents more comfortable. And that’s something that bothers me more than I want to admit.

I know they’ve sacrificed an unbelievable amount for me and my family. I know moving countries and rebuilding a life here hasn’t been easy. That’s actually one of the reasons I’ve tried so hard to make university cost them as little as possible.

I managed to attend my first two years of college without them having to pay tuition. I’ve spent hours looking for scholarships, waivers, programs, and alternatives because I don’t want my education to become another financial burden for them.

But I also feel like I’ve sacrificed things I wanted because I knew it would make them feel safer.

And I don’t know. I guess part of me wishes that sacrifice was acknowledged too.

Last night, my parents sat me down because they’ve noticed that I’ve been spending most of my time in bed and barely eating. They told me I’m immature, that I need to learn to let things go, and that I can’t live my life for my friends.

And I know I can’t live for my friends.

But being called immature honestly pissed me off more than I admitted to them.

Not because I think I’m incredibly mature or that I have everything figured out. I obviously don’t.

I’m fucking 20.
I’m still learning how to deal with life.

But it felt like they were looking at me lying in bed for a month and using that as proof that I don’t understand how difficult life is.

The last three years since we came here haven’t exactly been easy.

I’ve watched my family deal with an insane amount of stress and uncertainty, and I’m very aware of how much they’ve had to carry. That’s actually one of the reasons I don’t tell them most of the things I’m going through. I know they already have enough on their shoulders, and I don’t want to become another problem they have to worry about.

And it hasn’t only been my own shit.

I’ve been there through crises involving friends and people I care about. I’ve had nights where someone I loved needed me and I stayed there with them. I’ve watched people I care about go through horrible things while trying to hold myself together too.

Earlier this year, things got bad enough for me that I attempted suicide.
My parents know.
I ended up hospitalized, and I’ve been trying to recover and understand myself since then. And feel that cross in my back every single day.

They don’t know about some of the hardest things I’ve gone through.

So hearing them talk to me as if I’m some sheltered kid who doesn’t understand how hard these last three years have been genuinely hurt.

I know what it has cost us to build a life here.

I know the sacrifices they’ve made. I know how hard they work. I know there are bills, responsibilities, immigration bullshit, uncertainty, and a million other things that don’t disappear just because I’m having a bad month.

That’s precisely why I’ve tried so hard not to become another burden.

So yeah, maybe I’m immature in some ways.

Again, I’m fucking 20.

Of course I am.

But struggling right now doesn’t mean I’ve had an easy life.

Being devastated about losing people doesn’t mean I don’t understand responsibility. And spending a month depressed doesn’t erase everything I’ve managed to get through before this.

And the thing about my friends really bothers me too.

Because they’re not just random people I hang out with.
Some of them have been the people who kept me functioning when I genuinely didn’t know how to keep going.
One of my closest friends is basically a sister to me. She was there throughout these last two years while I was trying to survive college and everything else happening in my life. Other people I’ve met through college have been there through some of the worst moments I’ve experienced.

Those relationships mean something to me.

And I’m tired of losing people.

I’m tired of getting close to someone, trusting them, caring about them deeply, and somehow watching the relationship fall apart anyway.

I’ve reached a point where I feel almost completely defeated when it comes to love.

And I don’t even go into friendships looking for romance. I don’t meet someone thinking, “Maybe I’ll fall in love with this person.” I just become friends with someone, get to know them, trust them, care about them, and sometimes feelings eventually happen.

And somehow it always feels like I end up losing the person anyway.

There are people who stopped talking to me out of nowhere that I still miss.

Sometimes I still dream about them.

I know people come and go. I know that’s life. I know I’m going to meet hundreds of people I haven’t even met yet.
Knowing that doesn’t magically make me stop loving the people who are already here.

The hardest part right now is that I don’t even feel like I can be sad in my own house.

I feel like if I’m visibly struggling for too long, eventually I’m going to have to defend why I’m struggling.

And I don’t want my parents to think I’m ungrateful.

I’m incredibly grateful for what they’ve done for me. I know there are opportunities I have because of sacrifices they made.

But I wish there were room for both things to be true.
I can appreciate everything they’ve done for me and still wish my life looked different.

I can love my parents and still be frustrated that their fears influenced such a huge decision in my life.

I can be happy for my friends at UF and still wish desperately that I were there with them.

I can know that friendships change and still fucking miss people.

I can know I’m only 20 and still be exhausted.

I don’t need my parents to think I’m some incredibly strong or mature person.

I just wish they could look at me struggling and think, “Maybe he’s exhausted,” instead of, “He needs to grow up.”

And now I’m about to turn 21 and start a completely new chapter of my life at a university that, if I’m being completely honest, wasn’t where I imagined myself ending up.

I’m supposed to be excited.

Instead, I feel like I’m watching everyone I love move forward while I’m standing still.

Maybe six months from now I’ll look back and realize this was just an ugly transition period before something better.
I really hope so.

Right now, though, I just feel incredibly alone, and I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to do next.
I guess that’s why I’m posting this.

For anyone who has gone through something similar in their early 20s, watching friends move away, feeling left behind, dealing with plans that didn’t work out, losing people you were close to, or realizing that the life you imagined for yourself isn’t actually happening…how did you get through it?

How do you learn to be okay with where you are without constantly comparing your life to where you thought you’d be?

How do you build a life for yourself when so much of your happiness has always come from the people around you?

And for those of you who stayed home for college or made major life decisions partly because of your family: did you eventually stop feeling like you missed out?

I’m not expecting Reddit to fix my life.

I think I just need some perspective from people who have been here before.

What would you do if you were me?

TL;DR: I’m turning 21, starting university as a transfer student, and dealing with a depressive episode while watching a lot of my friends move away and start the kind of college experience I wanted for myself. I was rejected from the university I wanted to attend and stayed in Miami partly because my parents were uncomfortable with me leaving. I love them and recognize everything they’ve sacrificed for me, but being called immature for struggling really hurt, especially because there are major things I’ve gone through—including a suicide attempt and hospitalization—that they don’t know about. I feel lonely, left behind, exhausted from losing people, and unsure how to accept the life I have instead of constantly mourning the one I thought I’d have. I’d really appreciate advice from anyone who’s been through something similar.