I am convinced that unthinkable things happened to me during that period.

I grew up with a mother diagnosed with schizophrenia she also engaged in prostitution. My parents were separated, so I rarely saw my father. As for my half-siblings, they lived with their grandparent who deemed that my mother unfit and they left me with her because they didn't consider me their granddaughter (due to an issue involving my father). Between the ages of three and five, I grew up in an extremely filthy apartment under unhealthy conditions, surrounded by various men who were just as addicted to drugs and mentally ill as my mother. These men would come over every evening, or sometimes squat with us for weeks at a time. They were often different men, though my mother had specific friends with similar profiles who visited occasionally. I remember hiding in the bathroom or the storage closet to sleep, paranoid that these men might touch me sometimes I slept under a pile of toys, thinking they’d never find me there. I have a few memories of that period, except for one day when my mother had invited a huge number of men over to do drugs and drink. She was completely out of it and vomiting all over the apartment. I was deeply repulsed by the smell, yet I managed to fall asleep perhaps in the living room, where three men were literally sleeping in the same space. I woke up to the abominable smell of my mother was carrying me in her arms, taking me back to her bedroom. That moment traumatized me because, when I opened my eyes, I saw a shirtless man sitting with his back to me on the bed, and another lying down using his phone with only his underwear. I tried to struggle so my mother would let go of me before taking me into that room, and I immediately went to sleep in the storage closet instead. I am convinced that something happened to me that i was probably victime of sexual assault during those hazy years like i was too young this haunted me for the rest of my childhood. Despite my young age, I was extremely paranoid about sexual violence and terrified of men I also witnessed quite a few scenes of sex between my mother and her clients to the point where I frequently heard women moaning throughout my childhood and adolescence. Today, my fear of men has subsided, but that paranoia still haunts me I can't even sleep in the same room as my sister. Anyway, I just wanted to share this story with you thanks to read this.