Is it dissociation or what?

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My mother emotionally abused me and my father throughout my entire childhood. But the worst thing in my childhood was the silent treatment — she could go weeks without speaking to me, and then suddenly she'd change and become suspiciously kind and affectionate, smiling at me — and there were never any consequences for her. It was just treated as normal. She never defended me in front of other adults — anyone could scold or reprimand me. And there was so much more — I was invisible, I never complained, I never told my parents anything about myself. Even though I wasn't physically beaten, I was the classic scapegoat.

But the most amazing thing is how she always managed to play the victim. No matter the circumstances, it was impossible to catch her in anything.

Now I haven't spoken to her in many years, and sometimes I'm even scared to admit how much better my life is without her.

So why am I telling you all this? There's a question that's been tormenting me — one I can't even bring myself to ask a psychologist.

As a child, I had lots of friends among the neighborhood kids who lived nearby — very close friends. But at the same time, I couldn't socialize with kids in kindergarten or at school — I barely talked to anyone there. It's like I became a different person. I can't understand why. I think I might have autism or something similar.

Has anyone else experienced this? Share in the comments.