i hate having this illness

i‘ve had an autoimmune disease since i was around 4-5. from what i can remember (it’s all blurry) there was some mention of it changing diagnoses after meds and stuff but it’s so fucking tiring. there’s doctors appointments every few months and meds every day along with watching my diet and my health so much of the point i’m scared every single time of a relapse and i’ll need to go back to the hospital and be admitted to be on an IV. this disease already affected my growth because i was prescribed steroids for a long time. i never feel normal because i always have to be watching what i eat, how much water i drink, and always remembering my medications and always trying to keep my head up despite the fact it’s chronic and all my meds are affecting me in some way like low blood pressure and dizziness and my fertility in the future (not that i want kids rn but i want it to be my choice and not an outcome of something i had to do). and a myriad of worries are always rehashed like i’m more prone to being sick and the affects of being sick are worse for me because of immunosuppressants, and it could cause a relapse if it was bad enough, and i’m always scared when i get sick. i hate that i’ve had to had biopsies more than once just to make sure that my kidneys are fine and the disease isn’t active and it’s just the scars acting up and causing protein leakages. i hate having to worry about my health all the time and my parents always talking about it. i know it’s in my best interest but just want to be normal and not think about my health with every little thing. i know i should be grateful i don’t have chronic pain and instead just have dizziness/headache spells that are easier to get by but i’m just so tired and i’ve thought “why me?” more times than i can count. it started when i was about 10 and it hasn’t stopped since, and i haven’t told anyone after that because i’ve said it more than once already and it hasn’t amounted to anything. i’ve been taking so many medications and trying to cut down these medications for so long it almost feels useless to hope that i can get off my medications now. i shouldn’t be used to having blood tests or be so used to the hospital or even know my nurses so well but i do and it’s nice for some parts but it reminds me so much of why i am. and i hate all of this and i just want it to go away and i want to live my life without thinking about my health. i put a smile on my face every time someone asks because it’s not that bad and i know people have it worse. i’m grateful i have treatment but i just want it to stop. i try to look at the bright side and say that i can let others learn about this disease but i don’t want to. i’m tired of it. i’m like a specimen for med students on more than one occasion. i smile because it’s easier but i’m so tired and depressed about what it means when i’m such a studied patient.