Resurfacing memories brought on from kundalini. How do I shut them down / trauma dump

I am not in a stable place in my life. I don't have the capacity to deal with this right now. I've moved country and to a new city within the last t few months. I started freelancing too, and I started seeing the most perfect person.

I don't want to have a breakdown and ruin it all. I know I need to deal with stuff at some point but not now I'm not safe or stable.

I joined a uni trial for CPTSD for SA for kundalini yoga. I now see this was a big mistake. I tried to back out a few weeks ago as I was concerned about kundalini awakening causing psychosis. The instructor told me it wasn't kundalini breathing but like general breathing practices. I feel like this is not true. As googling some of kundalini breathing techniques they are the same in class.

The last few weeks I keep having random memories of my life back when I was a kid or teenager of a random street or someone's garden. Just very random harmless things. It slightly concerned me as I thought why does this feel so bizarre, it's very random things I have not thought about in years.

I recently learnt some information about a family member I cut off is now pretending they don't even know me. Despite they being the main cause of the problems of our relationship, hence me cutting them off and blocking them a few years ago.

This triggered me to spiral. The last few days coupled with this news and the random flashbacks. It has caused me to massively reflect on my past and deep shame and ugh like I don't wanna remember this shit from my teens and early 20s.

I was abused severely psychologically in my first relationship then went on to have severe alcoholism and sleep around a lot and experienced a lot of SA from other people. The people from my hometown are just pretty fucked up dark people. The type of people who knows someone's a paedophile or a rapist but still hangout with them cus they funny or something.

I cut nearly everyone of from my home town moved to London to do my degree. I was very depressed for years. Still an alcoholic. But nothing as bad as when I was younger.

Anyway I'm starting a new life in a new country things are going well. And now this shit is coming up and it's affecting me. I bartend a few shifts a week. And last night I started spiraling. I put my hand to my chest and apologised to the part of my self that is repressed or whatever and said I'm still not stable enough to deal with this. Then it was like I feel like I heard her crying inside me. It really unlocked a deep dread inside me. It was like in Dexter when he is like I can't get the boy in blood out my head and you hear him crying. I'm pretty certain I do have DID and it will come out as me as different ages in therapy. My mum had it. I did my dissertation on DID. It's my biggest fear having DID and losing control. I'm terrified of this shit coming up. A coworker I think saw I looked distressed and said I could take a quick 10 mins break. On my break I went to the bathroom and started crying. I went back to work still felt shit and terrified but slightly better now I purged some tears out.

I've told my boyfriend I'm not doing well. He doesn't know anything from my previous life from 16-21. He just knows I don't speak to my family any more and I have experienced SA and have CPTSD.

I haven't been officially diagnosed with ctpsd. But I've been raped by at least 8 men, might of been more from when I've been drugged. and been sexually assaulted probably over 15 times I've lost count. The first person I dated was my brother's friend who was a paedophile. He groomed me when I was 16, and was just very psychologically abusive. This is kind of what started it all tbh, and set me up. Also I have autism so this all makes this 100 times worse in terms of me processing and being taken advantage of. I cut my family off as they don't care nor took any action after my abuse.

Perhaps the last paragraph wasn't necessary but still. Cry for help I suppose idk. I haven't posted anything this personal on Reddit before.

I'm just terrified of losing my current partner too. They are so wonderful. I've never met anyone like them. They are very out of my league and successful, smart, witty, kind. Everything I want in a man. And I'm afraid they will just view me with the same repulsion I have for myself when they learn my past. Especially the fact I slept around alot. Again the sex was not lust but like a form of self harm.

The last three years I've only had sex unless I've been exclusive. Minus some pornstar I know I slept with after a this stressful experience of me dating some rich guy I was talking to flew me to florida who was very conservative and unstable and had a gun before I ended up in the country I am in now.. That's another story. Anyway. I've kinda had a crazy life regardless of abusive stuff.

I'm just tryna fucking cosplay and fake it till I make it. I just wanna be normal. As much as an autistic person can be. And since I met my boyfriend of the last few months, I've been normal, calm, smiling ... Partially masking. But I've been trying to be normal and I feel like I'm starting to become this person. I've started to feel ok for the first time in a long time..I just wanna be safe. And not have shit like this come up. I've never been to therapy really before because I could never afford it. And in the UK they don't give therapy just 6 free phone calls. I once was told I could get specialised therapy for sexual abuse by clinic and then did a 40 min consult to share my past. But they told me I was too fucked up for them to deal with me. They said they'd refer me to a charity... I kept chasing them up but they lied and said they'd send an email. They did not.

The country I live in now has a fantastic cost of living. But ayayyeyayeee therapy isn't cheap anywhere. But I think I need to suck it up now that I'm starting to settle in here.

Any advice for therapists. I don't know how to look to find one.

Sorry this has been a dump and a half but I'm kinda of my wits ends right about now.