Happy birthday, M

Today is your birthday. That makes you…24 now. I think that’s really great. You’re grown up and I bet that you’re so beautiful. I wish I was there to see how well you’re doing. Definitely better than me, I bet. You were always smarter than I am.

Anyway…. I still think of you. Every day. Mostly I wonder if you’re okay or not. Can’t stand the idea of you being unhappy, it would make being a stranger feel even worse if I didn’t know you were hurting. I miss you something awful, like my life is completely over. I’d do anything to make it stop. When I think of you, I hurt, feeling lovesick and worried about your safety and happiness, because you are a miracle of the most magical kind.

It’s impossible that I could ever meet someone so amazing. Either of us could’ve been born 100 years away from each other, or had different parents, or any number of changes big and small that made it so I never met you, and that impossibility makes you magic in my eyes. Like I was meant to meet you. That’s why even though it’s been so long, I still love you.

I think the world of you, but I worry sometimes that maybe I don’t love you. I worry that I just have an unhealthy, disturbed obsession with you. That’s a very uncomfortable thought. No one as good as you should have to deal with disturbed people. But if I’m honest….you make me worse. I feel intense hunger for you, because I could never have enough of you. I feel pride for you because few people are able to find beautiful hearts the way I found yours. I feel lust for you because I crave the heat of your warmth. And this last one is the worst one….you make me so, so fucking selfish, because I want you to love me too.

Anyway. Happy 24th. I can’t text you or call or send a card, but I hope you shine and grow even more in the next year. I might be crazy, but after all this time, I’m still crazy about you because you’re the best person I’ve ever met. Please continue to be so. I know I ranted a lot about myself in this letter, but the day is about you and how amazing you are. I just had a lot I wanted to say to you. Be happy and keep being amazing.

Bye.