I can't do this anymore.

I absolutely hate my life. I don't want to do it anymore. There's nothing to look forward to. There's nothing to be excited about. Always worried about money and marriage. There's nothing good. Just anger and sadness. I feel so incredibly alone. The only time my husband wants anything to do with me is when he's trying to get sex. He is tired of being rejected and uses me like a tool for his pleasure. He doesn't even love me. He just hits it and goes right back to ignoring me. I wish I had a safe person to talk to. I'm so alone. I can't even get out of bed. I can't even enjoy TV or Movies anymore. Every day is dreaded. If it wasn't for my job, I probably wouldn't even get out of bed. It shouldn't be so hard to be alive. I can't even get a hug without him saying something disgusting or extremely perverted like I'm some dude. I have absolutely no family. I am absolutely alone all the time. Can't even socialize no more. I have a deep sadness in my stomach that never seems to go away. And I really need it too. I daydream every single day about walking directly in traffic I fantasize about doing it everyday. More than anything I'm disappointed that I don't have the nerve or the Balls to do it. I disappoint myself. I need compassion so bad. And I just can't get it I don't know what to do anymore. I even tried going to the doctors. They were no help. Even the suicide number is a joke. No help. I feel like I'm just getting worse. I wanna be loved, but everything is transactional. One day I'll finally succeed and do it, I'm so lost and alone. Even with a house full of people I'm so alone. When I finally do it and will they even care? I truly feel like everybody would be happier without me. I really do. One day I'm just going to disappear and they'll find my body somewhere. One day..