As the scapegoat I think the basic message I got loud and clear ( abuse, sabotaging) was “ We just can’t have you being Happy or empowered, it upsets me too much”.

It was THE only consistent unchanging thing I ever experienced. With all the volatility, mood swings, that stayed the same. I had to be happy on the sly, hide it, or infuse some self sabotaging destructiveness into my endeavors. Some way I preemptively sabotaged myself, before anyone else could. That was the control I had, to decide how my humiliation and loss would be experienced if I ever pushed too hard for success, freedom, like the way Good will hunting chooses the Wrench. It’s the illusion of a choice. Hurt and degrade myself then I’m not a threat, never realizing that wasn’t really a choice, that was living in fear and enslavement.