I found my gf's sextape with another guy and I can't stop watching it. I hate myself.

I'm a student at DLSU, and my girlfriend, let's call her "Mika", also goes there. We've been together for almost three years. Met her through an org, the typical college love story. She's the type na Dean's Lister, mabait, mahinhin, the girl your mom would love. Seryoso, yung tipo na kahit sa kisses sa cheek pa lang nahihiya na dati. That's important later.

Anyway, for the past two months, something felt off. Mika started becoming... distant. Before, we'd eat together sa Agno or sa Perico's after class, she'd send me random memes, update me about her day. Then suddenly, "busy sa thesis," "may group meeting," "pagod ako love, sa condo ko na lang ako matutulog." Her phone was always face down. She started going to the gym more, dressing nicer, wearing perfume she never used before.

Last Saturday, we were at her condo in Taft. She fell asleep early, and her phone lit up beside her. I know, I KNOW. Invading privacy is wrong. Pero I couldn't help it. She never changed her passcode, my birthday pa rin, which makes all of this so much worse. My hands were literally shaking while I unlocked it.

What I found destroyed me.

I went through her telegram and there was a conversation with this Korean guy. Let's call him "J." Based sa profile niya, he was visiting ph for work.

And the messages…. PUTANGINA yung messages.

My girlfriend, yung babaeng nahihiya mag-hold hands sa public dati, was talking to this guy like a completely different person. Dirty talk na hindi ko akalaing kaya niyang i-type. "I want you so bad," "I can't stop thinking about last night," "when can I see you again."

And then I got to THIS part of the conversation, and this is when my stomach actually dropped:

J: “u keep thinking about it?"

Mika: “yes 😭 I literally can't concentrate in class"

J: “thinking about what baby. say it"

Mika: “your cock... I can't stop thinking about your cock"

J: “what about it"

**Mika: “**how big it is. like I'm not even joking, I measured it with my hand last time and it's more than two of my hands stacked. my boyfriend's is literally half of yours. like I hold his and it's one hand, yours I need both and there's still more 😭"

I had to put the phone down. Literally inalis ko yung phone sa harap ko. Kinabahan ako. My own girlfriend, comparing me. Using me as the punchline. Measuring HIM with her hands and laughing about mine fitting in one.

Then I kept reading.

J: "lol does he know he has a small dick"

Mika: “idk maybe?? he never had complaints before me lol. but like... now I know the difference. yours actually makes me feel full. his just... idk it's fine I guess"

J: “just fine? poor guy lol"

Mika: “don't be mean 😂 but yeah... there's no comparison. you're just built different. I didn't know it could feel like that"

"Built different." "Just fine." Tatlong taon, at "just fine" lang pala ako.

And the photos. She sent him photos I've NEVER received in three years. Topless. Wearing lingerie I didn't even know she owned. May isa pa nga na video na she's touching herself, and she was MOANING HIS NAME.

I felt like vomiting. But I kept scrolling. I couldn't stop.

And then I saw his pictures.

I'm not gay, okay, but I have to be honest here because this is where my brain broke. J is TALL. Like 6'1" or 6'2" based on his photos, standing next to door frames and stuff. I'm 5'7" on a good day. He's muscular with abs, broad shoulders, sharp jawline.

And I saw that he sent her a dick pic.

Brothers. I have never felt so small in my entire life. I'm average, okay, around 5 inches, never had complaints. His was... I don't even know. Just fucking LONG And THICK, yung tipong parang hindi totoo, veiny, with this slight upward curve. Easily double mine in length and God knows how much thicker. And Mika replied to it with like five messages in a row. "Oh my god," "I miss it," "I want it in my mouth so bad," "literally nothing else compares," with the drooling emoji. My girlfriend of three years. The girl who used to giggle nervously whenever we'd do it with the lights on.

I felt so humiliated sitting there in her dark condo, her sleeping peacefully next to me, while I held proof that I was... replaceable. Less. Hindi ako sapat.

But here's the part that makes me hate myself.

I found a video. An actual sex tape. Nakatago sa hidden album niya, as if she wanted to keep it safe. Eleven minutes long. They filmed it sa isang hotel room, I think, based sa background. And I watched the whole thing.

Every. Single. Second.

The video starts with Mika on her knees on the hotel carpet. J is standing in front of her, and she's the one unbuckling his belt, and she's GIGGLING — excited, eager, parang bata sa Pasko. I've never seen her like that. Ever. She pulls his boxers down and it springs out and she actually gasps. "Oh my god, it gets me every time," she says. "It's so fucking big."

Then J, with this smug little laugh, asks her: "Bigger than your boyfriend's?"

And my girlfriend — my mahinhin, Dean's Lister girlfriend — looks up at him while holding this other man's cock in both her hands, and says:

"Babe, his is like... half of this. I can wrap my whole hand around his and cover it. Yours—" she lifts it, lets it rest against her face, and it reaches from her chin past her forehead— "yours is a whole meal. I could never go back to his after this. It's like comparing a hotdog to a... I don't even know. There's no comparison."

A hotdog. She called mine a hotdog.

Then she started WORSHIPPING it. That's the only word I can use. She kissed the tip, soft and slow, like she was in love with it. Licked it from the base all the way up — "mmmmmhhh" — this low, hungry sound I've never heard from her. She rubbed it on her cheeks, on her lips, kept saying "so big, so fucking perfect" in between kisses. Then she opened her mouth and tried to take it, and she couldn't even fit half. "Glk— glk— mmph—" she was gagging, eyes watering, saliva dripping down her chin onto her tits, and instead of stopping she just moaned LOUDER, like choking on it was the best thing in the world. "Mmmhh— I love your cock— glk— I love your cock so much—"

With me? In three years, she went down on me maybe five times. Always hesitant. Always "wag mo ko itulok ha." Always finished in two minutes and moved on. Never ONCE did she look at mine like that. Never once did she make those sounds.

At one point J grabs her hair and pushes deeper and she doesn't even resist, just takes it, gagging, "glllk— glllk— hahhh—" and when he pulls out she's panting, spit all over her lips, and she says — I will never forget this as long as I live — "See? I can barely fit you. My boyfriend's I can take the whole thing without even trying. Yours is a challenge. I like a challenge."

Then the rest of the video. She climbed on top of him, and Mika has never — in THREE YEARS — sounded like that with me. With me, she's quiet, shy, konting ungol lang. In that video she was MOANING. Loud. "Ahhh, ahhh, fuck, right there, don't stop— it's so deep— you reach places he NEVER reaches—" Words I've never heard her say. Riding him like her life depended on it, her nails digging into those abs, tits bouncing. She came — I think twice — and the sound she made, this broken, desperate, "hahh— ahh— c-coming, I'm coming— fuck, you feel so much bigger—" sound... I didn't even know she could make that sound. I didn't know she could LOOK like that. Face flushed, mouth open, completely lost.

And here's my confession. The thing that keeps me up at night.

I didn't delete the video.

I sent it to my own phone through her Messenger. Then I deleted the sent message so she wouldn't know. That night, habang tulog siya sa tabi ko, I went to the bathroom and jerked off to the video of my girlfriend getting fucked by another man. While her voice saying "his is like half of this" played on loop in my head. And I've done it seven more times since then. Seven. I know the video by heart now. Alam ko yung exact second na sasabihin niya yung "hotdog" line. I came to that part twice.

Last Tuesday I did something even more pathetic. I got a ruler. I measured myself. 5.1 inches. Then I paused the video at the part where she holds his against her face and I stared at it next to the ruler and just... sat there. Sa dilim. Holding my phone and a ruler like the biggest loser on campus.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

I want to confront her. Every day I rehearse it in my head. "Mika, I know about J." Pero how? Paano ko sasabihin nang hindi ina-admit na I snooped through her phone and SAVED THE VIDEO? Paano ko sasabihin na mas malaki yung sa kanya — na ALAM KO na sinabi niya na kalahati lang ako — nang hindi ako ibinabaon sa sarili kong kahihiyan? The moment I confront her, I have to admit I watched. All eleven minutes. Multiple times. With my pants down.

And the worst part — my friends. We have a big friend group, both from DLSU and my high school bros. If this comes out, I become THAT guy forever. Yung tropa na pina-cuck ng jowa sa Koreano na mas malaki, mas matangkad, mas gwapo. The guy whose girlfriend called his dick a hotdog on camera. Hindi ko kaya. Sa group chats pa lang, kapag may nagjo-joke about cheaters, natatawa na lang ako pero parang gusto kong mamatay. What if someone finds out? What if J tells people? What if MAY IBANG NAKAALAM NA?

So now I'm stuck. I kiss her goodnight. She says "I love you" and I say it back. Yesterday she gave me head for the first time in months — probably out of guilt — and the whole time all I could think was, "she's thinking about his. She's comparing. One hand lang." I finished in two minutes and she patted my chest and said "that was nice, love."

Nice. "Just fine."

Three years. Mas mahaba pa sa phone contract.

I don't know if I love her, or hate her, or hate myself more. The other guy is back in Korea and I know she isn’t seeing him anymore, I should confront her and break up but I can’t imagine myself without her…