My opportunity of depression and the things I’ve realized!

Today I started feeling like I want to share some of my thoughts and experiences in fighting with depression in my life
First of all, Hi! My name is Nodir, I'm a poor guy from the poor city
Basically I'm just a melancholic and lonely person, loneliness is the first thing I was trying to deal with before it didn't turn to depression, now I don't feel lonely inside even though I'm alone physically (let's say).
Until I'll back to my childhood | should back 2 years ago when this everything started:
I was a happy guy with bright look at the world and dreams are on top of my head, I participated in a history club at my school, the teacher who started that was my friend, we used to talk so much about our life and thoughts, she was such a smart girl from national university and we were talking about philosophy and philology a lot, she said that I'm quiet smart guy and understand myself deep enough, I thought so too. She was quite pretty and young, every guy wanted to be her friend to flirt with her, but nobody could, she was interested only in guys with some interest in life, but those guys are empty inside, so everybody hated our class, by the obvious reasons, me and my friend have turned to an object of hate so fast, so I felt thrown and uncomfortable, and that time I started feeling anxiety for the long periods of time and very often, which is not gone even now. So there was a girl in a club of history, I was a pretty fast-loving guy, and the first thing she said to me meeting me for the first time is "you'r so tall tho" I said that not much but in comparing with her I was really taller. She was smiling at me, touching me all the time, and I started thinking that she likes me, and she really did, I felt in love very fast and so strong which was a mistake, and at the time I decided to call her somewhere for date she became unreachable, she was mad at me and because of my own mistake, she wasn't forgiving me so I became numb one moment, 1 was crying in my kitchen and the world seemed so dark and closed to me, that deep hopeless feeling, I felt alone for the first time in my life (almost), I couldn't see anyone else except her in the whole world, but she was unreachable and it became obvious that she will never love me, I realized how lonely I was whole of my life.
This is the moment it started, social rejection and losing someone dear.

Let’s come back to my childhood, I had my only friend – my biggest sister in my life, she didn’t want to play with me and take me to the walks around the streets, that’s okay I don’t blame her, just my childish mind took it too much personal. So I had to walk around my home and look for some fun there, just the lonely garden, short stick and big fantasy.
So maybe one of the first times I felt alone in my life was on the street when I already found some friends outside, one day they started bullying me and I cried under the tree, I didn’t want to go home, but I couldn’t come back to boys so I found a small, pice place to cry, I remember it was hard for me to forgive them after. Again I don’t blame anyone, we were kids by the way.
So I can easily remember plus two guys who was bulling me, and my mother also for not being good at school, I don’t blame them all, I was a bad person myself, any story about street or school bulling always go though the topic of violence, I’ve overcome so much violence to me side in my life, but doesn’t mean that I wasn’t violent myself. I was a trouble person oh yeah, and there’s nothing to remember with the smile on face. Realized fast that I’m the strongest at the garden among children, I was trying to make them fight, keeping in my mind that I’m stronger anyway, that’s very bad thing and I understand that, after getting some little powers among people I started using it for pleasure, for hunt and eval pleasure, just like others on me after some time. I used to laugh at people and so wrong, what I’m blaming myself most is that what I’ve done to my closest friend, he was bigger than every one of us, he was fat and I always laughed at him, even when he was my best friend and stood him now, we’re not talking already two years maybe, somebody’s saying he’s gone abroad maybe, I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve made for him, maybe I deserved everything.
Sometimes I think about humanity and understand that we don’t deserve life, we’re too much evil and wicked, we kill, destroy, abuse every single day.

Dreams
I had a big dream, to go abroad for studying and living there making my career, but I couldn’t this year because I didn’t have money, so now I should work and save some money for university to study in future, it’ll take one or two years, feels like a bit late for studying doesn’t it?
Everything started destroying that moment when I rejected from love, I already forgotten her after a year but depression stood.

Depression is not a mood you’re into, like you can stop feeling it right at the moment after a therapy, no, it’s a resuming thing because of the stimulus it have in it, and as long as these stimulus resume, as long the depression will stay.
And these stimulus could be personal: something you don’t like in yourself, like I mentioned something you blame yourself, because of you did
It could be things around your life: the job you don’t like, the house you’re living and smth smth
But I don’t want to tell that you’ll overcome depression with getting away from stimulus, no, because the main thing it does is hopelessly
You don’t believe in anything anymore, this is the deepest part of it, when you stop believing in god, in future, in yourself, that’s when the emptiness inside of you rises, that’s dangerous, that’s what I’m fighting with now.

Remember that you are a person by the way, and you are not perfect, I’m not saying it on the side to protect but attack your personality, because everyone think their best about themselves, it’s wrong, we have to find the worst things we have inside of us, to confess for them, it cleans you believe me, because the main thing in life is spiritual self improvement, learning about the world, about yourself, learn how to love and love everyone and everything (at most realistic sizes)
And what always helps me is a simple truth: remember, after every time you feel bad, will be times when you feel good, and every time you feel happy, remember that you will feel as sheet after some time, that’s almost the fact and you need to remember it

Pride
I remember when I was four or five years old guy, I was very interested children and loved to teach my mother something, and hearing it she always got inspired and praised me with the words like “the most intelligent” “look, he knows everything”
And that moment I said: yeah, I know everything, just like a god.
I remember this time after times and feel fear for my nature, maybe I’ve borne with it, this pride was always with me.
I always felt like I’m smarter than others, sometimes I thought I’m prettier than other guys at school, whatever happens I always felt like I’m genius, did it ruined my relationships? Yes, but now, after realizing I’m trying to minimize the effect, which is possible for now.
I always expected more from life and people, that’s why I always got frustrated of everything all of my life, but you know what? Some of these things are normal.

This is my short story and the things I could remember I’ve told you, I’ll be totally happy if anyone responds for this and notice my little story to share, comment please your thoughts !