Is my struggle with lust bringing me closer to Christ?

i’m an agnostic atheist, but i’ve been in catholic school my entire life and have always been surrounded by christianity. recently i’ve gotten much more serious about philosophy and theology. i’m just starting college and majoring in philosophy, and i’ve also been trying to work my way through classic books. one of the first i read a couple months ago was confessions by st. augustine, and i absolutely loved it. that probably sounds strange coming from someone who leans atheist, but something about augustine really stuck with me.
intellectually, i still have serious problems with christianity. the problem of evil and divine hiddenness are probably the biggest ones. i struggle with morality, and i’m not convinced we have free will either. alex o’connor has been a huge influence on the way i think. obviously i don’t assume he’s right about everything, but if i’m being honest, a lot of the arguments that have shaped my beliefs came from listening to him.
but something has been happening lately that i don’t really know what to make of.
i was exposed to porn when i was around fifth grade, and it’s been a problem in my life ever since. recently it’s felt like it’s taking more of a toll on me than it ever has before. sometimes afterward, tears fill my eyes and, strangely, my mind immediately goes to christ in the desert. i think about st. augustine. and almost every time, i suddenly want to do one of two things: pray the rosary or see if there’s a mass happening nearby. i’ll literally look up mass times, and unfortunately there usually isn’t one happening around then.
i know there are completely nonreligious explanations for this. maybe it’s shame, guilt, conditioning from growing up catholic, or just the fact that christian imagery has been part of my life for so long. i’m not claiming this is god speaking to me or evidence that christianity is true. intellectually, the reasons i’m agnostic/atheist haven’t suddenly disappeared.
but i’d be lying if i said the feeling wasn’t strange and powerful. there’s something about being at my lowest after giving in to something i know isn’t good for me and immediately thinking about christ, augustine, prayer, and mass that i don’t fully understand.
i know this might be TMI, but i’m genuinely curious: has anyone else, especially someone who is agnostic, atheist, or questioning, experienced anything like this? how did you understand it?