Grief forever changed who I am and I miss my old self sometimes

I had over 10 family members pass away all within a year of each other in my early 20’s. I was working 2 jobs, trying to process all of my emotions, I had quit drinking and smoking as it was what I used to cope with my emotions. So it felt like I was really hitting all of those emotions head on.

Now being years removed I didn’t realize how much those deaths affected me. It wasn’t distant family members, it was very close and personal family members that I lost. None of my “best friends” showed up for me. I had such a large group of friends during that stage of my life and only 1 showed up to one funeral. Everyone in my life avoided me for those two years and I felt so alone and empty trying to process everything while keeping everything afloat working 60+ hours a week.

I’m almost 30. I know that, that type of grieving forever changed me. I feel like I have residual abandonment issues with how almost everyone in my life left me hanging when I had always showed up for all of them and made time always. I feel so much more serious and like a lot of people can’t relate to me. I miss my old bubbly self before I really learned what loss feels like.

I’m just feeling a little sad for my younger self, gratitude for getting myself out of that hole, but I know I am forever changed.