I sometimes hate my mom and my little sister

Girl dinner just a watermelon strait from the gourd or wtv its called for a watermellon. The bg cropped and colored in to hide religious symbols.

Hate is a strong word and i dont really wanna use it, but my mom tests me. Even tho she means well. Im 21f and i live in a religious family. The second i graduate i plan to move tf out.

Im too old to blame all my problems on my mom, but shes always been against me working too much. And when i had a savings piggy bank at 17 she made fun of me, not all that much but she made comments like "whats the point" and "it wont ammount to much". She never apologized as i dont think she realized it would be a big deal to me (and it shouldnt) but she definitely thanked me when that 1k helped with the plumbing. She also guilted me into giving her my fafsa refunds bc my "dad was so stressed" and my family needed money. I wasnt *happy* about it at the time but i agreed bc the family DID need money. And i failed yo communicate properly that i wanted to save it for grad school. Now every loan i have to take out makes me just a little more bitter.

Which sucks bc even tho i *currently* work reduced hours bc of her, its my own choice that im contuing to work those reduced hours. And its my own choice to blow all my paychecks and swipe my credit cards as stress relief. Im not financially responsible and a part of me wants to blame that on her even tho im not the same person i was at 17 and im old enough to do better now.

All that to say i havent moved out yet partially bc im financially unstable and partially bc the family pressure. They dont want a single woman living alone. We had one of our few fights when i brought up my intention to move to another state post graduation. As graduation looms closer i get more stressed bc i HATE living at this house.

I sometimes hate my sister bc shes 3 its not her fault shes annoying. Im over here genuinely beefing with a 3 yr old almost every day during my break and am contributing to her tv addiction bc i HATE dealing with her. Shes so funny and creative and im squashing that bc i DONT WANNA interact with her.

Mamas getting old and my dad is getting even older (pushing 60 with some mental conditions) hes mostly fine but when mama says i shouldn't stress him... she means i shouldnt *stress him* (dw, hes nonviolent but his last (vert infrequent) episode put him in a state unfit to work and hes our only source of family income as a house of 7) HOWEVER for some reason knowing all that mama is pregnant AGAIN????

THESE TWO ARE BARELY FIT TO PARENT THE 3 YR OLD. they do alot, and when im in school i barely have to interact with her but if im needing to help her every break and baba is PUSHING 60??? WHO TOLD THEM TO GET FUCKING PREGNANT.

AND IF I COMPLAIN "am i not part of this family" "arent you happy for a new life" NO! NO I FUCKING AM NOT!!!!!!

But i clearlt state all thar i know mamas fancy solution is to go back to the homeland and underpay some poor girl to watch her kids (thats what she does with my sister for ~yearish at a time) and i hate that i missed her while she was gone. She was still my sister. Ik i cant have my cake and eat it too but RAHHHH.

A few days ago mama was telling me how cool it was that a (male) cousin of mine was able to move out on his own and pay rent for his college and the way i BURNED with rage during that conversation. I fucking hate this house. And i HATE THIS FAMILY

Except if i actually said that theyd get offended. I dont mean it mean it and even venting isnt really making me feel too much better.

As i write this mama is asking me to go with them to our religious place of worship. And as i angrily say no she looks obv worried for me 🙄 im a closeted atheist so thats another point of friction. I shoulda just gone but ive been simmering in unrealsed anger all day and im taking it out in small petty ways like this.