I was assaulted as a child. I feel helpless and worthless.

TW: child sexual abuse and suicidal ideation

I was sexually assaulted (very, very much against my will) as a child. I’m really struggling lately. I avoided physical touch for many years and started trying to ”heal” (whatever that means) this year. I’m a hot mess. Between sexual trauma and religious trauma, trying to have sex is a disaster.

I always feel helpless. I feel like I can’t defend myself. Actually, I would say I know I can’t, because that’s how I ended up getting assaulted as a little kid. So I constantly feel weak and vulnerable, especially around men. It’s upsetting.

Now I feel worthless, too. Someone called me damaged, referring to my CSA. It wasn’t meant to be a hurtful comment but it was. I can’t stop feeling now like there’s no point in trying to heal. If I’m broken anyway, I might as well just give up on a love life. Or maybe just off myself.

I’m feeling really low lately. Before anyone recommends it, yes I am in therapy. Struggling anyway.