When you’re not a fan of SK

DH and I are in early 30s, married for 3 1/2 years. We share 2 bio kids (age 2 and newborn) but also have 2 SK (1 from me and 1 from him). The entire relationship has been difficult with his SD (age 5).

Over 3 years we’ve had her in the summer about a month. SD doesn’t live near us so we see her every summer and typically thanksgiving or christmas. We always have fights everytime she’s over. i also have my own issues with bio mom and have tried not to let it affect it but that’s another topic.

but i feel given it a fair chance and in the beginning I really tried and wanted it to work. i went out of my way to buy my SD a whole wardrobe, decorate her room, took care of her while she was in our home (bath time, keeping her busy), on top of the daily routine of cooking and cleaning. Then genuinely just trying to get to know her and spend time with her. Everytime she’s visited even if DH helps out, I tend to get overwhelmed by our dynamic shift and how exhausting adding another person is.

Our dynamic changes and honestly, Ive tried and realize I just don’t like my SD or her personality. When she’s here, she tends to try and manipulate DH but idk if manipulate is the right word but she doesn’t listen unless DH enforces it, she likes to say “Only if my daddy says to” or “my daddy only wants me” she’ll be mean and try to isolate my toddler who genuinely loves her and take her toys away, yell at her, push her etc. DH doesn’t allow it to happen- so when she attempts to isolate her he shuts it down. She’s a very hyper kid where i think she may have ADHD, she’s 5 and not potty trained- frequently pees overnight on herself and has pooped on herself before. Bio mom says it’s no issue and she’s potty trained yet has her waking up on a timer 3-4x at night. I know it’s not nice but honestly i feel like she’s a brat and it’s annoying.

Now we’re at a point where she’s become the only issue in our home and i don’t want it to ruin our marriage. But I don’t know what to do, do people pretend to like SK and just ignore them? I love my DH and our life but everytime bio mom and SD is on the phone or SD is here- i’m instantly annoyed and would rather her not be here.