A star in my sky.

Four months on since we last communicated and I confess that there has not been a day that has gone by where I have not thought of you and what transpired between us.

You still exist to me in the very periphery of my life. There are apps I can run, music that I listen to, or seeing either your handle or real name somewhere - any number of ways my mind is reminded about you.

Even though I no longer break down when it happens, I don't feel any different today than when I first told you I would be lucky to get to know you. Even after all we went through, I never got to get to know you truly.

I know that the situation we found ourselves in was emotionally complicated and neither one of us should have leaned toward one another as much as we did. You were seeing someone else, and that was a line neither one of us was ever going to cross.

I wish I could let you know how much I regret letting the weight of it all get to me to the point that I gave up being your friend, that I blamed you when it was always both of us, that I hurt you. I wish that you cared to know.

The things I say aren't meant to seem so dramatic. When I say you will always be a what-if to me until the day I die, I believe it. People do forget people, but not the special ones. You are so special. Please know that above all else. Not as a compliment from me, but as the truth.

I accept I will never see you again, but that doesn't mean I won't always want to. I want to make you laugh. I want to make you smile. I want to make sure you go to bed safe and be there to tell you good morning when we wake up. I wanted to give you my energy. My affection.

Maybe I'm a fool. Maybe I just don't want to be cynical. Maybe I just want to hold on to how we felt and not the tragedy of the impossibility we found ourselves in.

You will forever remain a star in my sky I'd navigate my life by.