Everything has come crashing down these last two months. Looking to start over but my tools are underdeveloped

TLDR: My alcohol consumption and poor behavioral choices for the last year have made me feel like I'm losing my inner light. I have the chance to start healing, but I'm worried I'll go back to old behaviors that got me here in the first place. A big reason for my drinking was to suppress negative feelings I started to feel and changes that started to happen to me while doing inner work. I now feel stuck playing an old character and have a lot of repressed feelings, but I'm struggling to tell what the truth is anymore.

To cut straight to the point, this last year and half of my life has been kind of a shit show. I've made really poor decisions and gotten really lazy. Starting in late 2024 until now, I've slowly started drinking and isolating myself more and more.

This all came to a head when I (honestly like a light switch) started feeling really dark inside. Before my drinking started, I'd actually quit another addiction I had (porn) for a long time and started doing some major inner work. I changed a lot as a person during that period of time and felt like I was starting to come into contact with some positive kind of light inside me. I now felt like that light was totally gone, and the only way I can put it to words was that it felt inside like I'd been let out of the good graces of the universe. And other people generally. My anxiety was so bad at this point that I could barely speak to other people at work without feeling like I was crawling out of my skin. Huge waves of emotion behind my eyes.

I finally one day had to jump ship at that job on short notice because it was getting so bad that people were noticing and seemed visibly uncomfortable around me. It sucked. I felt like a piece of garbage quitting on short notice like that. As soon as I got home that day I had a terrible panic attack and it actually felt like my own body turned on me. Super nauseas, bad stomach pain, headache, horrible anxiety. I've been having panic attacks every day and still feel sick writing this now.

It felt like all of my repressed emotion and pain from this experience hit me all at once and I didn't know how to process it.

A chance has now opened up for me to (finally, thanks to help from family) get myself checked out at the ER for the health consequences of my drinking, and try a med to help stop alcohol. As well as get back into therapy again, which I desperately need. The thing is, I'm scared to get sober and start these changes but get stuck with the same problems and behavioral issues afterwards.

For one, like I said before my drinking started I was changing a lot as a person. Sadly the two closest new friends I'd made during that time moved away shortly after and I lost contact with other acquaintances too. I took a chance to move to a new city with a long time friend of mine in the middle of my drinking, but I ignored a lot of feelings I was having about our friendship before hand. Basically that it didn't feel quite the same hanging out with him anymore, and it felt like we were moving in different directions. Living with this has caused me a ton of stress. I often feel like I'm playing a character when we interact, and those feelings have just been building. We also got a new Roomate who... has some quirks to put it lightly, so a lot of the time being at home doesn't feel like home. I can't seem to escape this mental stress.

For some reason, it feels like expressing these things I'm feeling deep down would be really painful, and that I would become even more isolated. But I also can't seem to build new relationships or try new things when I feel like a fake person at my core. Behaving in ways and saying things around certain people, this friend included, that don't feel true to me anymore. I have this idea that I have to completely disengage from my old relationships and start over. Or at least try it. But I don't know if that's the way.

A big reason for my drinking, besides at this point maybe being physically addicted, has been that it simply suppresses my feelings. It makes me more comfortable with old and unhealthy behaviors (isolating, chronically online, not doing inner work anymore). It halts that growth but keeps me in a place of temporary "comfort".

Does anyone have any thoughts about the things I've written here? Any advice for it? Feel free to ask any questions for more details too.