Help need your advice

Hi, I'm a 25-year-old female, and I've been in a relationship with my partner for more than two years.

We've had our ups and downs. During the first few years, we fought often, as couples usually do. Before, he was usually the one who would beg for forgiveness after our fights. I'm an avoidant person—not all the time, though. Sometimes I feel the need to fix things immediately, while other times I need space to cool down.

Then, in June 2026, I reached my rock bottom. I had no energy to talk to or argue with anyone. I didn't talk to my partner for the entire month.

I have one male coworker whom I sometimes send Instagram reels to. It's not really a form of communication between us; it's mostly travel ideas, random or stupid reels, and things like that. There are no strings attached to it. I swear.

Then an issue broke out at our workplace. People started gossiping that my coworker and I were in a relationship. The gossip claimed that I rode in his car and went to work with him, even though I was literally working from home. My partner believed the rumors and said hurtful and nasty things to me. I kept begging him not to believe them because none of those things were true.

I take accountability for neglecting him for an entire month, and I'm genuinely sorry for that. Even now, I still feel guilty and want him to forgive me. I know it won't be easy, but I'm trying to make it up to him whenever I can. I also know that I can't force him to believe me.

I know what I did was wrong. I should have communicated with him and told him what I was going through instead of shutting him out. At the time, though, I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to drag him down with me. I also didn't entertain other men during that month.

We broke up, but to make a long story short, we eventually got back together.

However, every time we fight, we somehow circle back to what happened before, even though we've promised each other that things would get better. Until now, he still brings it up.

I understand that he is still healing and that his trust was broken. But should I tolerate him constantly bringing up my past mistakes, especially when he uses them to make me feel like I no longer have the right to share my feelings?

I take responsibility for what I did, and I understand that rebuilding trust takes time. But I also want to know if I deserve to be heard and allowed to express my feelings without having my past mistakes used against me every time we have a conflict.