i feel trapped.

hey guys. i want to preface this post by saying i come from a south asian muslim family. this post is long, so please bear with me.

so i (21f) recently fucked up big time regarding academics. i got a D in a calc2 class at CC, and that grade ended up getting one of my college acceptances rescinded (this is completely my fault, i know). i’d always tell my family that i get A’s on tests when i really get B’s and C’s because i know what their reactions would be if i told them the truth (it wouldn’t be good.)

once i got the notice that my admission would be cancelled, i tried everything i could. i appealed it (got denied), tried reaching out to other schools that accepted me (my family didn’t like this plan). i waited a week before telling my family. only because, my sister is getting married and we had wedding events coming up. i didn’t know how to tell them when they were so stressed and excited about that.

once my family found out about the college thing, they were (understandably) upset and angry and disappointed with me. they found out last week, and since then, my sister (32f) hasn’t talked to me.

my current plan is to do another semester at my CC (to fix that grade & my gpa), then transfer into another school during the spring.

my sister is getting married in a month. it’s a destination wedding, so you can imagine all the stress that comes with that. she told me that she doesn’t even want me to deliver my maid of honor speech at the wedding anymore. she told me that she feels like now all the attention is going to go to me, instead of her wedding. she hasn’t spoken to me in a week. she won’t even look at me. both her and my mom have told me that i’ve destroyed my own life and their lives. my mom says that to me at least once everyday now.

over the past week, my family has emphasized the fact that this semester i gotta grind (which is fair and reasonable). they’re really hammering in the “you can’t see your friends at all” aspect of it. to which, i understand, to a certain degree. i value my friendships over everything. i’ve always tried to make it a point to see my friends at least once a week.

once i told my friends the situation, they weren’t judgmental at all. they told me that i fucked up, but that it’s fixable. they said that they’d even study with me at the library if that’s the only time they could see me.

today, my mom came in my room. i assumed it was going to be her usual “you destroyed your life…why would you do this to me…do you know how this looks…your sister is so stressed…” lecture that she’s been doing everyday since she found out. but it was different today. she told me that i’m not allowed to study at the library or my local cafe. i’m only allowed to drive to school, and back. no leaving the house for anything else.

i understand where she’s coming from. but, i don’t know how im supposed to do that…without getting depressed. my life used to be like that when i was around 15-16. i was very depressed during that time, and i greatly resented my mom during that time too. i don’t wanna revert back to that version of myself. but, being chained to my room 24/7 will make me spiral.

for the past week and a half, i haven’t come out of my room unless it was to use the bathroom or eat. whenever my sister comes home from work, i don’t come out. i’ve been skipping meals just so that i don’t have to come out of my room. before they found out, i was labeled as the “velcro kid.” i was practically attached to my mom and sister. i feel like a physical reminder of their disappointment.

i have no idea how im going to survive the next few months without my friends. they all know that my parents are strict, so they’re always finding loopholes or little ways to see me without getting me in trouble. but now, im not even allowed to go to the library anymore. it’s been two weeks since ive seen my friends, and i miss them like crazy.

my mom also said to me that she doesn’t care where i end up next semester, i just have to move out and get out of her house.

on top of everything else, i started seeing this guy. who’s everything i could ever ask for and more. he hasn’t officially asked me to be his gf, only because he’s waiting on me. i wasn’t sure if i wanted anything serious, but now i know what i want. i want to be his gf. i know this should be my last priority rn…but i really like him. i don’t think i can mentally handle losing all my friends and him at the same time.

i can feel my mind starting to steer towards a very dark place again and im scared. i can’t ask for help, because that would only be met with explosive reactions. everyone would just tell me that i caused it myself, and that i have to deal with it. i feel trapped in a prison that i made.

i know that these are the consequences of my own actions. but i’m scared that im going to lose myself again. it took me so long to finally get my peace back.

i’m not asking for pity, or sympathy, or anything like that. i’m completely aware that what happened is entirely my fault. i understand why my family lost all trust in me. i get that i broke it.

what would you do if you were in my position?