Online School Sucks. I just wanna get it off my chest.

Sorry for how fucking long this is haha.

I've been doing online school since 5th grade. I fucking hate it.

I havent had friends in almost 7 years. Let alone barely any contact with people my own age. So I don't even have a girlfriend I can hangout with or do normal teenager shit with. I won't be able to have friends or a girlfriend to go to prom with. I won't have a real proper graduation. I've been stripped away of all I wanted to do.

I havnt seen most of my family for the same amount of time.

I wasn't able to say goodbye or even hi to either of my grandfathers who passed away. My mother got cancer 10ish years ago so she's horrified to let me go back to school after covid.

I have to wear a face mask almost everywhere I go. I hate it. She's worried about getting sick.

Last year I went to my grandparents house to carve pumpkins with a couple of other family members that I've seen very few times (they are some of the 'almost' in the first part), and had to wear a mask.

How can I enjoy being around my family when I feel like an outsider in a place I grew up?

I hate having my fists clenched in public because I get stared at. Feeling like I'm constantly going to get into fights.

She constantly shoves me temporary things to "make friends", to fill the void of not going to school or having friends, seeing family, etc. Nothing ever changes.

I was put in therapy because it would "help", but it seems as though she doesn't know that the problem is being addressed with someone else, but not fixed or worked on in reality.

The worst part was, I was constantly lied to. My parents told me that it would get better. "Once everything is over we'll put you back in school."

"We're going to start trying to see family, again, and going to family gatherings". There was never an attempt at either of these.

My online school district is horrible.

I've had teachers that were showing right-wing/white supremists in CTE classes, when contacting the school they "couldnt do anything", I've had teachers bully me to the point where I switch teachers, I had a teacher who said that "60% of her classes were failing", only later for her to pass me and a bunch of kids who were just barely failing.

I had an advisor who would not get back to me the ENTIRE year, which lead to me failing a math class, and almost a science class.

I'm in my final year and I feel like I've done nothing. Everyday was the same. Get up for class, log on, try to pay attention.

I was recently diagnosed with Innattentive ADHD. My parents had figured I had ADHD for a very long time. I had trouble paying attention in school. I'd get distracted easily. It's gotten even worse now that I do online.

Now I have diagnosed Anxiety and OCD.

Which worsened when I was put into AP English classes.

When my grandmother came in,  and asked my dad if it was worth putting me in regular school for the last day, he answered "No." Basically avoiding eye contact with me.

I can't address it. Anytime I try to slightly touch on it, it gets blown off and changed to a completely different subject.

The day before I got into highschool, I argued with my mother on putting me back into regular school. She screamed and "cried" at me that I "Don't care" about her getting sick, and that It doesn't matter anymore.

I understand why she' scared but I can't live the rest of my life like this, and I don't feel bad for it. I still love my parents though.

I want a life. I want to spend my time with people I care about without feel like I'm suffocating on a soft peice of fabic over my face.

"Crushes" for me and few and far between. 1. I rarely even get to see people my own age period. 2. When I think about talking to a girl I immediatley get anxiety and insecure. It's not even a normal insecure. I would feel like I'm not doing all I can give, and feel like I would be making them miss out on things.

"No, sorry, I can't come to your house without a mask on, theres too many people, my mom would kill me."

"Can we do a date outside?"

"Sorry, we can't get too close in an enclosed space."

I feel like that sounds so self-pitiful, and I don't want to sound like that but, It just sucks when that's constantly surrounding my mind.

I'm not and have not been suicidal. I'm generally a poitive person. I just don't know how much more I can take of this before I explode.

It's not like I'm a "trouble maker kid", either. I would never do drugs, vape or even drink alcohol. I find substance use as a pitiful slow suicide.

I just can't wait to see the day where I can breathe in room with my friends. I can't wait for the day I can hold the hand of a girl without worry. That's all I want. I want to feel love. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Summers almost ending, and I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to have to sit at my desk and stare at a screen with names row, after row as I scroll down. To type in a couple words to prove I was there.

But what can I say? Nothing mever changes.