NonBinary butches: how did you realize that butch was your gender and not woman?

This summer I've been thinking a lot about my gender identity. I've been lurking in this sub for months, but recently started posting and this month, after a lot of deep thinking and talking to the butches I know in my life, feel that butch does fit me. Once I got over my "butch doubt" of not being capable enough, I realize that, yeah, butch feels pretty right.

Okay, great! So I'm a woman, and I'm a butch.

Or so I FREAKING THOUGHT??? The more I'm getting comfortable in my butch identity, I realize I might...not even be a woman anymore? Is it anymore if i was never a woman?

What does it mean to be a woman? I'm not so sure. I don't dress like a woman. My body (although it might be small and short) isn't really shaped much like a woman. I sure as hell don't feel like a one.

I am a teen. Do I not feel like a woman because I am a child or do I not feel like a woman because I don't feel like the gender?

Is a girl supposed to feel like a woman? No matter how much you prepare her for the world, and call her a young woman beforehand, and let her know that she will become a woman one day... she won't feel like a woman the moment she turns 18.

So I've been trying to take a step back, and rack my brain trying to figure out if I feel like a girl instead of woman, because "woman" feels too daunting

Am I a girl? I love girlhood. I was never bothered by she/her pronouns. If someone called me a girl on the street, I would only be a little bothered. But deep down if I sit and think about it...do I feel like a girl? Not really. But this is the weird part: Do I WANT to be a girl? Kind of.

Again, I am so young that the world feels so scary and I don't feel grown despite nearing adult age. I am such a crybaby. It took a long time to accept butch too, because butches give off capability and independent-ness that I have yet to acquire through life.

I feel more like whatever girl is to woman, but for butch.

But I am so jealous of girls. I want to be a girl in the way that i am young and scared of the world and insecure and unprepared. I relate to girls my age in that way.

It feels as if they have the privilege of being vulnerable and weak. Society accepts them if they are that way. I know butches are allowed to cry and feel vulnerable, and the whole "men should be strong and not cry" is a man's problem, and we are not men. Not following the patriarchal society and non-male masculinity is what being butch is all about. But no matter how much I tell myself that...

Anyways I'm just rambling at this point. Is it weird to feel nonbinary and like she/her pronouns? How did you realize that butch was your gender and not "woman"?