Do you ever feel like you can't connect to other people?

I just really feel like I wasn't meant to like this long. I have friends and people always tell me I'm beautiful and smart. I don't feel that way but then I question if I am all those things then why do I feel so miserable? I never feel loved or understood by anyone.

I have an okay paying job and have even travelled some really neat places. But then right after vacation I found I had a tumor and had to get it removed and I've been struggling to financially recover because of the unexpected medical bills. My boss is awful and a bully and just sits in her office and bad mouths everyone all day but there aren't a lot of job opportunities in my area and definitely not any where I would make as much money as I do.

I have a lot of childhood trauma and was abused my whole childhood and I don't think I'll recover or move on from it.

I think I'm going to buy a rope and just hang myself. I just feel so alone and like nothing will ever get better and I've felt that way since I was going. I first attempted suicide when I was 9. I will just feel bad to leave my dogs but I am so sick of everything in life being a struggle.