I feel like I’m suffocating

Right after school today I got a message from my mum saying my pet cat Marble has passed, it was just so sudden and I can’t even begin to process that he’s gone. We adopted him in 2021 and he was my first ever pet. The thought of him not being alive anymore just doesn’t even make any sense why the fuck did he die he is literally only 5 he hasn’t even turned 6 years old yet??? he literally turns 6 on September 19. and there wasn’t even any signs before he died all my mum said was that he kinda yelped and after she checked on him nothing seemed to be wrong and she went back to doing work but after that she just found him lying in her closet on the floor dead. The vet said that there wasn’t anything wrong and said it’s probably some sort of heart problem and the whole situation is just so fucking ridiculous. out of every single cat in the world it just had to be mine what the fuck. i don’t even have a lot of pictures for him the last one I took was in like april. this whole thing suck so much i cant even explain it. what’s worse is that in school im supposed to write an essay tmrw about grief because it’s the topic of the book i’m currently studying and i was just complaining about it literally today to my friends and it’s so fucking ironic how it’s happening to me right now i think it’s karma or whatever fuck. i’m just writing this thing rn because i literally can’t sleep and my friends don’t seem to gaf really and my mum is also crying and I feel like there’s something in my lungs and I want to cry but i don’t feel like it I don’t feel really anything right now I don’t know why and I just miss him so much I can’t and now all i can think of is that will the cremation service give me back the right ashes or not. I can’t imagine how it would feel like if like my mum or my brother passed if this is how i’m reacting to my pet dying. sorry for swearing i just can’t. i also feel like i might be over reacting like kim there are people dying and i feel like to react like this for just a cat im a privileged weirdo i genuinely don’t know i think im dreaming honestly