I keep fantasizing about disappearing

I’ve been feeling dead inside for the longest time. I’m 27, but I’m pretty sure this started sometime in my late teens. I’m gay, and although I don’t live in an extremely homophobic country, it’s still pretty homophobic here. I’ve been carrying a huge amount of stress because of who I am for as long as I can remember. A lot of other shit has happened over the years too, but that’s probably irrelevant to this post.

I’ve been on and off antidepressants a couple of times. Honestly, I wouldn’t say they did much for me. Lately, I’ve been feeling extremely lonely. And I know I’m probably not that lonely objectively, but the feeling itself is fucking unbearable. It’s hard to even describe. I don’t know whether it’s the people I surround myself with or something else, but god, I feel so incredibly alone.

And the worst part is that I genuinely like who I am. I’m a fun person, I’m interesting, and I know I’m a good person. Yet all I want to do lately is disappear. And that feeling has been getting stronger and heavier day by day.

It’s gotten to the point where disappearing isn’t just some vague thought anymore. I’ve started thinking about it in increasingly concrete ways: Where I’d go, how and whether I’d survive, what I’d leave behind and if I’d take anything with me. I want to delete everything. I want to quit my job, leave my house, and just take an infinite break from everything and everyone.

I don’t know what I’ll do if I keep feeling like this. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this as nothing more than a fantasy. The urge keeps getting stronger, and honestly, I feel completely lost at this point.
I don’t know what’s left for me to do.