1. I went bezerk & had a hard crash out after mistaking being ‘Wanted Around’ instead of actually being important to someone I deeply adore + 2. How to find a new bestie?

M/50 + F/40

About ten years ago, when I had just moved to another capital city. We met + were very very close for a while, then geography pulled us apart. However we went no contact after 5 years.

Last December , he surprised me and called to say he was moving back for work. He told me a long-term relationship had ended, and we reconnected.

I’m shyish sensitive a sensitive person and I keep a very small circle. when I let someone into my life, they matter to me.

I was also careful with him. I didn’t want to overstep or occupy a friend zone - so pathetic, I just loathe being that person as well. I need to understand where I stand with people. Ambiguity is not really my thing.

Over time, though, the calls, dinners, invitations and closeness made me think the friendship meant something and that kicked off ‘totally normal’ extremely close but not relationship, ‘friendship’ - but we never fucked, and I am not going to just throw myself at him - imagine it!

I flew interstate to stay with him, at his invitation. I booked flights to come up. He lives in this glamorous enclave, on the coast. I was in a place I’m unfamiliar with.

Over the course of the weekend a we went for for a dinner he booked - and right after he went to bed while I stayed up coding. I noticed his phone, which was charging nearby, kept lighting up.

I’ve never looked through it, I saw him replying and seeing the responses from tinder conversations - (presumably made by his iPad)

And I became unbelievably angry.

Not because he wasn’t allowed to date. Of course he was. It was the sudden realisation that I may have completely misunderstood my place in his life.

I had a bit to drink and I stared angry very angry with myself The whole thing unravelled badly from there, and I’m still trying to work out what exactly I’m grieving.

I think he may be one of the loves of my life. I also think that I’ve never really mattered in HIS inner circle. I’m just this naive woman that he knows, and I felt so stupid, lonely, staying up coding on his kitchen bench, watching his tinder messages trickle though( for over half an hour. I just saw all of these notifications beaming through on his Home Screen…

I took a of sleeping (not that many) and mixed with a glass of wine, with wrote him a pretty angry letter - (stuck to his fridge to find the next morning) basically angry for not giving me the choice to decide if this dynamic between us, is something that I can be cool. I’m not, obviously.

He is a strange individual, a little like myself in a way. Yes I went a bit feral and bezerk the next day and felt so overwhelmed by this feeling of stupidy, anger at myself, and just wanted to be as far away as possible to him. It was honestly horrible.

I’ve blocked him, which is new for me, and maybe it’s my naivite and being bad at relationships I am not great navigating this (I already have a therapist dealing with other self stuff)

For anyone who has had to leave someone they still deeply care about because the relationship itself was too painful or unclear………..how did you stop feeling foolish and start trusting your own judgement again?